I
stare aimlessly at my computer screen wondering how to direct this
post. I am failing over and over again and just end up rambling on like
I am now. Last night I sat down with three of my best girlfriends,
bending over my computer screen with a glass of wine close by, doing
the exact same thing, roaming through JPEG files on my lap top and
clicking away at website domains to pull up some info on Nepal and
Kashmir for them to see. "Where IS Nepal??" they asked. And that's just
fine, because a few years ago I would have asked the same question. It
was pretty incredible to see them tracing their fingers over India,
Pakistan, Bhutan and Nepal. "OH, THAT'S where Tibet is!" Kate yelled.
THAT is priceless for all the right reasons.
It's
been quite hard to explain to my family and friends, back on the East
Coast, just exactly where it is that I will be heading to and WHY. The
other night I sat in the hot seat, my uncle, sister and brother in law
beaming red eyes at me demanding answers to the endless questions that
bounced back and forth across the table at which we dined. Actually, I
didn't dine at all, for lack of appetite and language to communicate
with. It's hard to explain what it is that I am doing and why I am
doing it. I lead a very different life and speak, metaphorically
speaking, an entirely different language then the rest of my family.
How do I explain, after years of formal education, that I am going to
go trek some shoes into regions of the World they have never even heard
of OR why I am about to place myself in sticky political situation in
Kashmir to get some answers to some questions I have: How can I help
supply hundreds of thousands of Kashmiris, with clean water using solar
energy. They think I am crazy. I think nothing of it.
A lot has
happened these past couple of weeks. Logistics have drastically
changed. Airlines have backed out on their word for luggage allowance,
shoes have been miss routed, and when things seem to just get
absolutely impossible, I reevaluate the situation and realize a
disaster isn't a disaster at all but a blessing. Quite often we wrap
ourselves around an idea, or a goal to achieve and THEN, we plan out
exactly how it's going to happen. I laugh out loud at that because that
plan almost always fails, due to expectation or just plain foolishness,
to think that WE can plan all the beautiful details. We may chose to
have an experience, but the journey that takes us there is not ours to
control. Choosing whether that experience or journey is positive or
negative IS ours to control, but to try and control the journey will
just leave us feeling drained and disappointed.
So I guess this has turned into a post about expectation, control and surrender.
The
other day I was on the beach with a friend, a soul sister of sorts, and
we often get together once a year and do a "sage intention" ritual. The
ritual is to consciously contemplate the things that have gone on this
past year and to recognize there are things we will need to let go of
in order to grow. Kind of like cleaning out the closet but different.
We let go of ex boyfriends, negative and old thought patterns, bad
habits, etc. Things we would like to let in would be things like love,
abundance, peace, laughter and such. We individually think about our
specific intentions and write it down on separate pieces of paper. We
then speak it out loud to each other, validating it some how, and wrap
them together, tuck in some sage and burn it. Sound hippie enough to
you? I think so.
A big process of the journey is to surrender to
it; have a goal in mind and then surrender. It's almost like writing a
"Christmas list" and handing it over to the universe, God, guru, or
temple of worship, and say, "Here. This is what I want. Figure it out.
Make it happen. I'll be open to receiving it." My Christmas List has
just a few things including shoes, safe travels, lightness and
laughter. The shoes won't get to their final destination without safe
travels and lightness wouldn't happen without laughter.
Over the
years our list of intentions grow smaller and smaller, more concise and
less specific. BUT to have an idea of what we want and what we don't
want allows us to focus our energy on making the things we want happen,
and the ones we don't, well, we don't focus on those and they just end
up turning into the wind. We are growing beings, ever evolving, and
constantly changing our minds and our thoughts. It's important to be ok
with that. To not judge it but to accept it and surrender to it.
I
surrender to the fact that I am difficult to understand; in my families
eyes. I surrender to the fact that this journey is NOTHING how I
imagine it will be. I surrender to the fact that my life, as beautiful
as it is, will have it's own agenda, rainy days and closed doors. But
it's in those times that I will have to get out my map, trace my
fingers along some lines, and create a new plan, one that will most
diffidently stay liquid.
I am going to leave you all with a glimpse of my intentions.
Lose fear.
Welcome in possibility.
Let go of Loss.
Let in abundance.
Release used up tears.
Gather in laughter.
Create the grandest expression of yourself.
Inspire other's to do the same.
