Tsk Tsk Tsk

I’ve discovered 2 things my life as a New Yorker that should have prepared me for my temporary life as a Maasai woman, but didn’t. A, having evolved the ability to sleep through sirens, garbage trucks & the general screaming of people enjoying their merriment, one would think I could sleep through the daily 3 am wake up call of zebras heehawing at the water trough. And the subsequent laugh of a hyena picking one of them off for a midnight snack. But one would be wrong. And B, having evolved the ability to walk down the street dodging tourists, scaffolding & piles of dog poop, one would think I could walk through the bush dodging trees, rocks & various animal poop without breaking a sweat. But one would be wrong. Again.

My sunrise trek this morning with my very own personal Maasai warrior has turned me into an expert poop tracker. I can tell which animal is going in which direction & the diff between a zebra’s vs a giraffe’s vs an ostrich’s vs an antelope’s. I know antelopes come back & poop in the same spot each time, depositing right on top of the previous visit. And it’s the same antelope that comes back to the same spot. They don’t share toilets. I’m such an expert, I can even tell the difference between boy giraffe poop & girl giraffe poop. Quantity.

But don’t let this expertise fool you. I have no doubt if I was a gazelle, I would be the first one eaten at the watering hole.

The afternoon was spent with a gaggle of Maasai children answering every one of their inquisitive questions about me, my life & America. HOW DID YOU BECOME A PHOTOGRAPHER? Do you have any brothers & sisters? HOW DO YOU GET TO THE TOP OF AN 80-METER TALL BUILDING IN YOUR COUNTRY? Do you have game parks in your country? WHAT KIND OF ANIMALS DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR COUNTRY? Who was the first president of your country? DOES THE GOVERNMENT PAY FOR CHILDREN TO GO TO SCHOOL IN YOUR COUNTRY? How does one get married in your country? AT WHAT AGE DO YOU GET CIRCUMCISED IN YOUR COUNTRY?

And of course the requisite DO YOU KEEP COWS IN YOUR COUNTRY? No, I don’t own any cows. WHAT IS THE AGE OF THE OLDEST COW IN YOUR COUNTRY? Uhhh...

The biggest outright guffaw of disbelief came from my response of NO, I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MILK A COW. I even heard a few TSK TSK TSKs after my declaration of ignorance & apparent shame. I followed up with my own question of CAN I LEARN HOW TO MILK A COW ON YOUR COW? The answer was a giggling NO. Apparently their cows did not serve the purpose of training novices.