Today I was on the receiving end of a disasterous Thai masage. I entered the massage parlour really tense cos I was getting stressed out about not being able to find a massage parlour where I could de-stress. I was slightly lead astray by a desire to pick up on any signal that showed the parlour seconded as a brothel, but as I'd never had a massage or a whore before I didn't know the distinguishing features of either.
However, this initial distraction didn't linger, and my body was nowhere near the state of limberness required to be stood upon and bent in half. Feeling this, the masseur kept saying "no, relax" which only heightened my performance anxiety (of the massage variety). To make matters worse, I couldn't really understand which position she wanted me to assume, and she let out a condescending snigger each time I did it completely wrong. As it proceeded, I kept visualising her crushing rocks with her bare hands, so it was only a natural reaction that my body kept on rigidly coiling back into the fetal position. When she was finally able to pry me apart, there was more crackling in that last fifteen minutes than on fireworks night.
After it was over, I tried to apologise in simple english for not relaxing by saying "sorry, I was not relaxed," but I think she interpreted it as meaning "that massage was shit as it did not relax me." So I left with a body feeling boyant and articulate, but a mind down in the dumps with bad-massage-receiver-guilt.
The only cosolation was that I found some innocent pleasure in my hands and feet routinely brushing against the masseur's breasts and arse. However, my gf who received a massage at the same time sensed the eroticism of the whole shindig, and promptly forbade me from having another Thai massage ever again. Maybe I'd enjoy it more if I went back without her...