2 weeks in

mcbaci — Mon, 21 Dec 2015 15:42:00 GMT

Its been roughly 2 weeks since I've gotten here. The excitment of traveling coupled with the nerves of leaving has started to fade. The honeymoon faze is beginnging to end. I've started grappling more and more when this feeling of loneliness. Surrounded by people, drugs, and a new setting is starting to get a bit monotonous. I've also started coming to the realization that this hostel that I'm working at isn't where I need to be. After watching person after person enter this revolving door, and leave towards a new sense of excitment, I can help but feel trapped. Its ironic really. I leave all attachment, only to find myself shackled by a decision I've made. Being free isn't just about letting go once, its about letting go constantly. The only reason I'm still here is because I feel some obligation to stay true to my word. I told the hostel owner I'd be here till February 2nd, and when I decided that I wanted to leave 2 weeks earlier, he flipped. I got an extremely passive aggressive email stating that I wasn't being true to what I had said... In a sense he's right. His words forced me to look at my promise, and because of that I gave him an extra week to find someone else. In all actuality though, I dont owe this man anything. He specifically stated in his online profile that if you like to leave early, just give me a 2 weeks heads up. Oh well. Now, instead of celebrating New Years in the famous Rio, I will be celebrating it in the underwhelming world that is Sao Paulo. Oh well, its just a day. And I've accepted my decision and will learn from it. As depressing as this is coming off, I'm still having a good time, and experiencing a lot. All is still well, and will always be well as long as I do not play victim to my expectations of how things should be.

1st week of Brazil

mcbaci — Sat, 12 Dec 2015 17:25:00 GMT

It's been 1 week today since I left the comfort of California and loved ones. It's been a pretty interesting back and forth going on in my head. During the day time I've been extremely engages, social, and excited for the rest of my journey. Unfortunately as the sun goes down, all the fears, insecurities, and realities start coming to the surface. Although surrounded by a beautiful women, great hostel mates, and an endless playground to explore, I still have this strange feeling of loneliness. A feeling that no one here really sees me for me. A feeling that is both uncomfortable and liberating. I get to be anyone, but what about all the relationships I've worked so hard on building? I'm rationalizing all of this by constantly staying aware of how I feel. Trying really hard to be a victim to these lower emotions. Trying to accept these feeling, and let them freely flow through me, rather than harbor the tension that comes with such insecure thought. Overall though, this feeling is something that I anticipated, and is probably the reason don't do a trip like this in the first place. This too shall pass.

The hostel I'm working at is nice. I can't help but feel I got a bit jipped though. I was told 5 days a week 5 hours a day for free breakfast and a bed. It wasn't until I arrived that I was told I'd be working 4 days a week, 8 hours a day. It's quite a lot of time for a hostel that costs roughly $12 to stay a night. I'm trying to look beyond the time to money ratio though. That's not what this trip is about. On the contrary, this is only about experience, and has nothing to do with money. I've already sacrifices so much time to get here, and I will not fall victim to old habits monetary conservation.

The people of Brazil are a very different breed. Everyone is much more for open. Physical space between people is not a concern for these people. So many of them seem to be so comfortable in their bodies. The other night I went over to a Brazilian friends place and his roommate was just walking around naked. Not an ounce of concern swelled inside that beautifully bronzed body.

This is all I have for the time being, I work night shift tonight at the hostel- 10pm- 6am.... It not as bad as it seems. There are people around to drink and talk with while I tend the reception area of the hostel.

Jumping off

2 weeks in

1st week of Brazil