Let Large

An American Minute

largeone — Sat, 9 Apr 2011 20:44:00 GMT

It's called the American minute because after a minute of browsing a travel blog, the reader becomes 67% less interested. Who would have thought that while stopping at a diner in Texas, we would see a customer with emphasima wheezing through a portable oxygen mask, interrupting his own troubled gasps for air to take puffs of his bent cigarette. Why did we see some chemists in New York advertising they had Potassium Iodine in stock? This is what people take to stave off radiation poisoning. American Idiosyncrosies were varied and often perplexing. The tipping, incessant politeness, the unavoidable requirement of side-dishes, condaments, and liquid cheese. Towering breakfasts, bad coffee, hotdogs at every turn, bottomless soft-drinks. Great steaks, ribs, and anything barbecued. The alure of live sport in America is captivating. Great local beers almost everywhere. Pubs-a-plenty, and most are better than anything in Australia. There is something for everyone in the vast and expansive land. A place where even the bad things are good.

New York: Breakfast with Jerry Seinfeld

largeone — Tue, 5 Apr 2011 06:19:00 GMT

While in the Brooklyn Diner, and after Jasmine and I had just argued about why you would bother about asking the barely english speaking waiter for his opinion on which breakfast he would recommend: the oatmeal or the fritata, Jasmine leans towards me and says "is that Jerry Seinfeld", and nodding to the guys of my left. I didn't even look and said no completely outright. I would know if Jerry Seinfeld was sitting 3 feet away from us. I after all owned all 9 seasons of his show, and spent countless hours recalling famous lines from it with friends throughout the years. I know what Jerry Seinfeld sounds like. It just sounds like him that's all, Jasmine reiterates to me. Let me be the judge of that I think to myself, and look over at him. Holy be-Judas, it was Jerry Seinfeld. It was actually him. We sat right next to Jerry Seinfeld and ate breakfast for the next half an hour with him right there. I had a lot to drink the night before so I think that was why I was shaking, but who knows, it may have been my sudden onset of nervousness. Anyway, we did our best not to look at him too often, and pretend not to notice it was him, while all the time talking about him and shooting glances over.

He was there with a few other friends. He laughed uncontrollably at Charlie Sheens Torpedo of Truth tanking, and that in itself was amusing enough. No honor among thieves. Listing to him, was like watching an episode of the show, except with more swearing, and less of George accidentally puncturing his own crotch with a biro.

A Billing Nation

largeone — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 15:17:00 GMT

Tipping in America is as necessary as breathing the air around you. Nobody can survive without the dull looking one dollar bill. There is a reason the US has stuck with this crispy green toe rag of currency. Without it, the service industry would die. I suspect there would also be a lot of confusion, and people mindlessly walking in circles and bumping into each other. Americans love the one dollar bill. They adore it. They count them in front of you, and they count them behind you. They have jars for them. You leave them on tables. You leave them on trays. You curl them up and hand them over discretely. You tip for drinks and food, you tip after you eat. Sometimes while you eat. You tip taxis, doormen, porters, waiters, barmen, even the stupefyingly bored looking man who sits on a stool in the male toilets and offers to squirt pink soap on you, and then hands you a towel once you've managed to wipe it off.

But there is a saying in America for those who don't tip. It goes something like this: ASSHOLE.

Leave your Thetan at the door

largeone — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 10:03:00 GMT

Aliens exist, I saw it myself. Forget nefarious personality tests, and avoiding tax by flimsily worshipping your very own Thetan spirit. Through the simple power of hundreds of fine printed articles displayed in the Museum of Roswell, of which I received a headache from reading so much - must have been an Alien force, I have pieced together the origin of the human race. We are not Thetans, we aren't even humans, really, we are clearly from the Orion Arm.

A true depiction of Aliens from the Orion Arm was painted by a professional from Iowa. I stood beside the painting and had my picture taken with it. The similarities are amazing. For starters, we both have a head. Just one head, each. The odds of that are astronomical. Also, we both had two eyes. I know that you think I'm pulling your leg because these are just way to unlikely, but it's true. Look at the picture and decide for yourself. If its not next to this article, the CIA must have blocked it from the internet.

My exhaustive research has let me to believe that they are an incredibly old race of Alien because they are all bald. They must live for an awfully long time, because they are all bald. There must be a missing piece to our DNA. My guess is they made us to live shorter lives no we couldn't out evolve the species of origin.

Finally I know we must be the same species because I mathematically worked out that the star formation drawn by a four year old in relation to the saucer she saw, proves it comes from Orions Arm.

Farewell my brothers and sisters...or more appropriately, Jujuflippoobadarzj. Happy travels.

iMission unbloggable

largeone — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 16:40:00 GMT

For a country that that boasts the invention of a steam turbine generator, homed the first air-conditioned hospital, and offers sublime wireless internet speed in almost every hotel anywhere in this fair country, why is writing a travel blog in the USA more difficult than bending space and time?

Multiple reasons rain on my parade like a turd on an anthill. There is no reasonable travel plan for micro-sims in an iPad, so don't bother thinking you can travel and ride the high of a completely portable Internet, gps, and hotel booking device...let alone blogging. USA is completely wired for home Internet, and wireless at select outlets. Needless to say, it is completely useless on the road, but when you get it, the speed is exceptional.

Yes I am traveling with an iPad. The tool is amazing, and I compare it to inventions like the telephone, but there is some way to go before the tool takes advantage of all capabilities.

I also cannot upload pictures to my blog with the iPad. My blog site, combined with the iPad do not mix. I consider it lucky I am getting anything out at all.

So for those who are reading these blogs, my apologies for their not being more stories, but I am limited by this unfortunate combination.

The American Dreamless

largeone — Thu, 17 Mar 2011 02:24:00 GMT

They call it the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. In a nation where a movie star can share a pedestal with a president, the appeal of an American Dream is as strong as ever.

So, what is the American dream? There isn't one. Well...not only just one anyways. With the basic premise that Americas forefathers have paved the way for you to be anyone you want to be, is it of any surprise 80% of Americans would rather be doing something else?

On the haphazard but perplexingly entertaining downtowns streets of Hollywood Blvd, 4 reveling nightclubbers were shot while we slept only a few blocks away. I woke to these shots. Doubtless, a dream most want to avoid. That morning we caught a train to Anaheim, where the merchandising juggernaught of Disneyland awaited our sweaty and heaving wallets. With only 30kms between semi-automatic hand guns and Mickey Mouse, could these 2 realities be any more different?

How would American Forefathers feel about churro sticks, candied popcorn, and a glock. I can't imagine they ever dreamed about it. At least not in the same night.

Where in the world is Rodeo Drive?

largeone — Mon, 14 Mar 2011 12:25:00 GMT

Given that a taxi service primarily deals with getting people from point A to Point B, our taxi driver didn't know where Rodeo Drive was. And we were in Beverly Hills. Ok, he only spoke a broken form of Spanglish, and sure...we should have known better when we were hailing him while he almost caused a collision, but surely he knew where the most iconic shopping precinct in Beverley hills should be. Heck...we were already in Beverly Hills, we just needed to go to a few kilometers across town. The conversation below took place

Driver: Where you wanna go?

Us: Rodeo Drive please

Driver: Err...yep...uuuuuh

Us: Rodeo Drive

Driver: (Jibberish)

Us: Excuse me?

Driver: Err...sssssssssss...Where?

Us: Where is Rodeo Drive?

Driver: ya

Us: It's in Beverley Hills

Driver: ya yay a...but errrr...where? Do you have a street name?

Us: Yes...Rodeo Drive

Driver: uuuuh, street number?

Us: You know the iconic Beverley hills street where all the celebrities go shopping? That street. The one called Rodeo Drive. We don't know a street number

OK, so there is no misunderstanding, it was at this point, I knew we were screwed.

Cab: Mutual silence for 5 minutes.

Driver: uhhhh, ya..... do you have map ya?

AAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGG

We thrust a map in his face and pointed at Rodeo drive...

Driver: (Laugh) Ok, I see

Ten minutes later........

Us: OK, we see the street sign now can you stop here?

Driver: Where?

Us: Here....The side of the road.

Driver: Here?

Us: Yes. here will do.

Driver: (Silence).

Three blocks later he eventually decided he would pull over.

It is people like this that I wonder how they don't forget to breath.

LA food diary

largeone — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 19:23:00 GMT

Ok, I have compiled a food diary below, and...well, it's bad. Unfortunately, every bite tasted so good. Warning: we are trained eating professionals, please do not perform these culinary feats without consulting your doctor before hand.

DAY 1

3 mini burgers with a beer tasking plate, onion rings and fried broccoli - LUCKY DEVILS

10 fried chicken wings with fries and beer - HOOTERS

Burger and salad - 101 DINER

DAY 2

6 pancake stack with maple syrup and coffee - 101 DINER

Half baby back pork rib with large baked potato, cornbread and coleslaw - UNIVERSAL STUDIO BEDROCK CAFE

Hot dog in chilli sauce with fries topped with cheese and Dr Pepper- SKOOBYS

DAY 3

2 eggs, 2 bacons, and french toast with maple syrup and coffee- 101 DINER

1kg burrito (from hell)

Fries with feta cheese, jalepenos, and special sauce - SPITZ

Japanese all you can eat $10USD and beer- LITTLE TOKYO

DAY 4

Chorizo and eggs with black beans and hash brown and coffee - 101 DINER

Taco, burrito, flat burrito, cinnamon twists, cup of doctor pepper - TACO BELL

Cheese and bread stick - RODEO DRIVE CHEESESHOP

Quesadilla, guacamole and corn chips, with salad and beers - CALIFORNIA PIZZA KITCHEN

I am surprised there is anyone alive in LA. If an earthquake doesn't get them, their food sure as heck will.

Bon appetite everyone,

Famousness in Los Angeles

largeone — Sun, 13 Mar 2011 14:22:00 GMT

We saw Matthew MacConughey. No...really, we say him...IN REAL LIFE. We have the picture, I just can't upload it. Sure...we were 20 meters away, and he was surrounded by paparazzi, but we eye-balled him. By that, I mean there was nothing but air between my eyeball, and what appeared to by his preened Armani suit. If only we could never wash our eyeballs. Unfortunately, every time I blink, my associated famousness disappears a little more. Of course having spotted Matthew and photographed his face through a throng of other paparazzi, we are now bbf's with him and will feel comfortable calling him Matty in the future. In fact, I think Jasmine will Facebook him after I write this blog. I'm positive we'll be keeping in touch.

In a city where successful actors outnumber hopeless ones ten thousand to virtually none, It's common for actors to be doing anything 'but' act in Hollywood. In fact the word 'actor' in Hollwood in used very loosely. For instance, someone might say, 'I'm an actor', in response to the question 'so what do you?'. I might just add at this point, this question and response occurs 99% of the time between any two people meeting for the first time in Hollywood. In fact I heard this question last night, in a karaoke bar on Hollywood boulevard after we had dinner at Hooters. It was our barmaids response to what I assume is another actor waiting to crack the big time. In between slurps of my Budweiser, which incidentally tasted remarkable like rusty water, I heard her respond, I'm an actor. My ears perked up immediately. It was short lived when I discovered her coup de gracé was a tampon commercial. Which is great. It's one more tampon commercial than we have ever acted in.

From LAX we caught a shuttle bus to our Hollywood hills hotel. Our bus driver, who incidentally professed that he was friends with Michael Jackson and referred to gay people as 'off', dropped off a young fresh faced man at the Fox Studios lot and he said he was going to do some 'screening' there. Apparently, according to the driver, this means script writing. To be honest, he didn't even look old enough to drink, but hey, if Michael Jacksons friend says screening means scripting, I for one believe him.

Photos: America

largeone — Sun, 6 Mar 2011 21:35:00 GMT

YES WE ameri-CAN

largeone — Sun, 6 Mar 2011 21:09:00 GMT

Is it of any surprise that America was wrongfully named by a cartographer after the Spaniard ‘Amerigo Vespucci’ ahead of ‘Christopher Columbus?’ Based on this fact alone, is it of any wonder that 34% of Americans who purchase a Big Mac meal from McDonalds ask for a diet coke as the drink? Or that one in 5 adults believes that the Sun revolves around the Earth?

Probably not.

In a nation where a pizza makes it to your door step faster than an ambulance, how is it that that automobiles, aeroplanes, and electricity distribution, were invented on this seemingly troubled land?

Is it the entrepreneurial spirit which makes this country the half-baked disaster that it appears to be. Or perhaps with such a melting pot of nationalities, it was simply bound to happen.

Jasmine and I will be travelling the states for one month. I want to know if I can purchase a BB gun from Walmart – no questions asked. I want to know if barbequed chicken and waffles really are a match made in heaven. I want to find Sarah Palins brain – reported missing and difficult to find due to its miniscule size. I want to know if the hooters girls really will eat beans off a plate with their hands tied behind their back. And Obama willing, I want to know if there is any hope for the United States of America.

One way or another, we’re going to enjoy finding out

Ghana: Why do it?

largeone — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 09:55:00 GMT

Where else can you enjoy the hospitality at a 4 star beach resort one day, and become embroiled in a bloody civil war the next. It's a notoriety that has strengthened the Ghanaian tourism industry by way of extreame adventure's. "Penguin" holiday operators offer a one month tour of a life time called "The Campaign trail" and uses the slogan "Civil War is Moving Forward" to advertise this hugely popular phenomenon. The itenery is gruelling, but is gaurenteed to be rewarding. You will join the Ghanain military service - bootcamp only takes three days and you are given guns if you are prepared to hand over your shoes. You will visit polling booths with your service commander where you will be shown how to intimidate voters without using bullets, but using every other part of your rifle. And finally, the Coup de grâce of your journey, you and your new army friends can overthrow the very same government you helped get elected.

Ghana in Crisis: Flammable or Inflammable

largeone — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 23:14:00 GMT

Is inflammable the opposite of flammable? One may think so, however both words mean the same thing - to combust. However, in Ghana, the seriousness of this meaning has reached a flash point.

The word "inflammable" actually came first and was a derivative of a latin word in the 16th century. Then along came the word "flammable", a derivative of a different latin word - "flammare." It never really caught on though, so inflammable became by and large an accepted word. So during world war two, instead of confusing unknowing soldiers by putting "in" at the beginning of "flammable" - thinking that the meaning was that it was not at all combustable, they decided to use "non-flammable instead," so that soldiers wouldn't be showering in kerosine. Besides... "non-inflammable" sounds rediculous.

Unfortuntaly, in Ghana, the confusion has not abated. The idosyncratic nature of this simple meaning is so extensive that locals are watering their gardens with petrol and pumping water into their gas tanks. The result is a country in crisis. Almost 48% of vehicles are waylayed on road-sides, while 2 neighboorhoods a week burn to the ground. Ghanaian scholars continue to look for a solution.

Ghana: sewing is the new football

largeone — Fri, 6 Aug 2010 07:17:00 GMT

Since being humiliated by missing out on progressing though the World Cup because of a timely handball from a much hated Uraguaian defender, Ghana has turned to the art of sewing as a protest against the stitching in the Adidas ball used during the world cup. A large majority of Ghana believe the stitching binding the slips of animal hide making up the unpredictable nature of the ball in question, is the reason for their unbeleivable and controversial loss.

It is no secret that Ghana has spent half their capital earnings on proving the bias aerodynamic nature of the ball - unfortunately some regional areas, which makes up 95% of Ghana, have not had electicity for the past month. Their plight is ongoing, and they will accept donations of money, gold bullion, or a a free ticket on a flight anywhere else in the world that will have them.

Value your limbs!

largeone — Fri, 6 Aug 2010 06:27:00 GMT

In Ghana, something as simple as crossing the road often results in the instant - but probably unintentional - dismemberment of at least a couple of previously uselful limbs. These zones are often demarcated by a small obscure sign indicating the result of such a risky and life threatening manouvre. Of course, the risk comes entirely down to the owner of the limbs in question, and by law, a driver is not required to stop and assist in such an event. It is in fact not uncommon for a driver to reverse back over the victim one more time, only to perform a brief ceremonial dance - involving petrol and a naked flame

The reason for such a high rate of limb loss comes down to the way in which a Ghanaian passes their drivers competency test. Typically this involves underhanding 50 cedi to the instructor while taking them out to a traditional lunch of fufu, accompanied by a bottomless glass of the local brew - "Club".

Photos: Ghana Rama

largeone — Fri, 6 Aug 2010 05:25:00 GMT

Ghana

Bike-e-bago: It's Cheap

largeone — Sun, 31 May 2009 20:05:00 GMT

Travel Vietnam for less than 15,000 dong a day. You get a two stroke motorbike, a comfortable double bed strapped to your back grill, and last but not least - all the open air you can handle. Your travel insurance will not cover this however, so if you break your neck navigating death defying traffic in Saigon, don't expect to get paid for it. It is however a relatively safe mode of transport around Vietnam. Close to 85 percent of motorists live long enough to return the bikes. So if you are fairly confident on the road, and value travelling more than your own life, this is for you. Venders are absolutely everywhere, but generally those with only one leg will give you the best rate.

Happy motoring!!!

Hoi An: How do you untangle your tree trunk from powerlines?

largeone — Sun, 31 May 2009 01:12:00 GMT

Well, we've all done this before haven't we! According to locals, the best way is to use a super conducting metallic pole to dislodge the live electirical wires from branches extruding from the main stump. The reason for this being that it is believed you will have eternal luck if you manage to survive the initial electicution.

Jasmine took this photo while I was at the bank getting money and she was walking along one of the main roads from our hotel to meet me on the corner.

Gallery: Hoi An

largeone — Sat, 30 May 2009 00:02:00 GMT

Hoi An

Cat Pho: How long does it take to skin a cat?

largeone — Sat, 30 May 2009 00:00:00 GMT

3 minutes I'm told, and 5 if you want it de-boned. Meat and noodle soup are a staple Vietnamese dish, and although dog and cat Pho restaurants are not common, they can usually be found on discreet narrow streets in Hoi An. Menus don't exist in restaurants like this. They bring your ingredients to you. They also offer a quite detailed history of your chosen meat. For instance, my cat was 6 months old, called Mitsy, fed on corn beef but predominantly food scraps, had been with the owners of the resturant since birth, and came with a certificate of authenticity. The price of a cat pho can be anywhere from 15,000 to 30,000 dong - depending on its history, and tastes best served with corriander and lemon grass.

What happens to the rest of the cat? What do you think your pho broth is made from?

Bon appetit!!

Ha Noi: What does it take to be a security gaurd?

largeone — Thu, 28 May 2009 00:09:00 GMT

The same as in Australia...if you can read and write, you would probably be over-qualified. Only when you can generally stand upright; wear ill-fitting clothes; and look as if somehow life dealt you a hand of apocalyptic proportions, will you get an instant pass to the front line. It is the general perception in Vietnam that street security have the right to hassle young women, wolf whistle at tourists, and sit around sunbathing with absolute indemnity. There seems to be no boundaries with disregarding what there actual jobs entail: which is keeping things secure. In their free time, which seems to be all day, they love nothing more than pointing tourists in the wrong direction, using their sandals as frizbees, and drinking ice-coffees in the shade of their over-sized hats.

Ok, this isn't entirely true. It probably is in Australia though.

Gallery: Halong Bay

largeone — Wed, 27 May 2009 19:04:00 GMT

Halong Bay

Vietnam: With Great Power...Comes No Resposibility

largeone — Tue, 26 May 2009 02:17:00 GMT

Ever looked up in the streets of Hanoi? The amount of electrical cable precariously dangling from semi eroded steel poles in greater than 51.4 million kilometres. Ever wondered what the reason for this is when Hanoi is only 21km's from end to end? It's simple...they're mad.

Did you look at the picture? If you haven't, look at it again and tell me I'm wrong!! I dare you.

Gallery: Vietnam

largeone — Tue, 26 May 2009 02:11:00 GMT

Vietnam

Vietnam: How many mechanics does it take to tighten a wingnut?

largeone — Mon, 25 May 2009 03:45:00 GMT

Probably just one. After speaking to the hostess at the boarding gate who explained to me that the reason our flight was delayed was because the front wheel gear was loose, I didn't know if I should point out to her that 5 mechanics were crawling all over the starboard engine like monkeys on heat.

Once I told her to turn around and look out the window she promptly disappeared, and our flight was delayed for a further two hours.