Shazza's Escapades

Tanzania Safari

shaz — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 15:15:00 GMT

Well my October half term started off with an incident even before I took off from Heathrow. My flight was on a Virgin Atlantic and on occasion the government uses this airline to deport failed asylum seekers/refugees. We only realised this when armed police boarded the plane which was followed by loud wails and cries of “I no go home, go die” for about an hour. The plane was delayed and the slightly posher families on the way to their half term hols made such a fuss about it, we were delayed even more. One lady even had the nerve to say put them in cargo. Jeez the guys were being sent back already, what more did the other passengers want.

So finally I arrived and was ready for my safari even though it was a lodge free safari…camping, can you believe I was going camping? We had one of those big giant overland trucks as well, you know the ones I normally moan about …we stuck out like a sore thumb in traffic on the way to the parks and we got stuck while doing u-turns and 3 point turns…the truck was just so big.

My room mate who was an American elderly lady with a face like a bulldog only put up with me for one night, the next morning I was dumped…the cheek of it. Actually I was quite happy to share with the Canadian girl my age and she was far less bossy and scary. But on a couple of occasions second thoughts crept in because this chick moaned quite a lot in her sleep. When I mean moan I mean those sexy moans you make when you know, you’re felling a bit naughty. I guess she did it while I was asleep too but I had quite the shock on one of the afternoons we were trying to snooze. I was quite anxious that a passer by might think we were up to something in our tent. When I told her and some of the group about her noises, she blamed it on the malaria tablets. Yeah yeah I thought…I just had horny roomy. I could live with that, at least she didn’t parade around me naked every 5 minutes like some other roomys I’ve had.

The first night of camp was a bit crap as it was raining so had to hurry to put the tent up…first time ever so we needed some help. But I got wet and it was cold and miserable so I sulked for a bit while everybody else went to the bar. By the second day we were quite the professionals finishing first with our tents and doing high fives only to see our tent blown away in the wind cos we forgot to put the pegs in. Complete muppets. This was proper camping with dishwashing duties and I washed dishes and rinsed and stacked while on holiday…that must be a first for me as I don’t even do it at home.

We had some amazing game drives in the Serengeti and the other park which I can’t spell or say that starts with an “n”. We saw hundreds of farting hippos, hundreds of elephants, one elephant that peed like it was Niagara Falls, lions chewing the arse of a zebra, intestines popping buffalos being devoured by more lions and bright blue balled monkeys…I kid you not. Plus the usual zebras, giraffes, wildebeests, wild hogs etc.

On one night I woke up in the middle of the night with a fright as I heard lion roars behind our tent. I thought it was a dream but my roomy heard it too. Plus the hyenas running around and I’m sure they were scratching the tent where my head lay. I could feel some one tapping my head…although that could have been just me dreaming but I know for sure the lion roars were real. I’m not that much of a wuss but the tent was mainly cloth probably polyester…no steel or cages on the outer layers. It’s like I was on some extreme camping trip, is it because I like the danger? Nope it’s because I’m stupid and someone let me do it.

I got on really well with my campers, there were 11 of them and apart from the scary American lady, there were 3 others that just weren’t quite right in the head. There were 2 Japanese/Hawaiian mother daughter combo that loved washing clothes every where we set up camp, apparently causing an upset with another camping group because they used up all the water. I didn’t care for them much although I was quite surprised to see the size of their underwear they hung on the line. These ladies were tiny, barely 5 feet tall but they had bigger knickers than me. The other not normal guy was from Canada although my Canadian roomy insists he can’t be from there as he’s way too weird. I agreed, I love the Canadians. There were a Dutch couple who were great except I had no clue what the guy was saying because of his accent. Then there were 2 ladies from Finland but working in Saudi, they had some great stories of their experiences with Saudi life and culture. I’m hoping they will send me info on how to get work there as it’s the only way I’ll be allowed into that country. We had a jolly American guy who snored very loudly, as we were in tents I think the whole park could hear him every night…might have been what set off the lion roars. The poor bugger who had to share with him was the only other British person on the trip. He’s a Scottish guy, very easy going and was a complete laugh on the trip. Basically if it wasn’t for him and my roomy the trip wouldn’t have been as good as it was.

Unfortunately all the normal people headed off on their extension leaving poor me behind. As they set off for the very long, bumpy drive plus possible encounters with pirates on their ferry crossing to the beautiful island of Zanzibar, I was heading back to Nairobi with the weirdos. It was a very long trip back to Kenya.

High Pamir Adventure

shaz — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 07:20:00 GMT

This summer I spent exploring in the Pamir Mountains in Tajikistan. I flew to Bishkek in Kyrgystan and travelled overland into Tajikistan through the Wakhan corridor until we reached Dushanbe. As usual I joined a small group when I got there. They seemed a nice bunch and they were…I know, a big surprise as there is always a weirdo in a group but not
this one. Everyone was pretty much normal. Again I really didn’t read the trip dossier and had no clue what I was going to get up to. I assumed Central Asia would be hot in the summer and it is but I completely forgot about the very cold mountains and for half the trip I basically froze my arse off. I did not bring any winter clothes or shoes. For half the trip I wore 5 t-shirts, 3 pairs of trousers and a number of socks just to keep slightly warm. Plus as we were at 5000m I had the worst headache ever...like stabbing in the eye type of headache. This altitude sickness lasted exactly 3 days when one day it was just gone. Unlike my Peru trip I didn’t lose my appetite, if anything I was hungry but I was very lethargic. Shame about the food though, it was very meaty and not really my cup of tea. We usually had meat and potatoes soup with some salad and the occasional yak which one of the girls nearly choked on.

Another thing about this trip was the toilet facility; never had I experienced gross
toilets since China…omg disgusting doesn’t even come close. In the main cities it was ok the normal squat toilets with the horrid smells but once you get into the country it’s just mind boggling. It’s always outside and away from the main home which is a good thing in hindsight. They dig a great big hole and then nail rickety old wood to it and leave a tiny little hole. Once this so call hole is filled up, they move along and dig another one and the cycle goes on. Not sure how long before their home subsides into the crappy cavern but it was definitely close in one of the home stays we were in. I decided not to use their toilet but to find a bush instead as it was much more hygienic and less chance of me falling in.

Well this trip is not all about toilets, the scenery was amazing, beautiful snow capped mountains – it was cold but an amazing sight. The trip was mainly a walking trip but it was optional so I went for walks when I felt like it which wasn’t often. I just enjoyed looking out at the views.

Some places we stayed were close to some hot springs and I had brought my swim kit so I was well up for it especially as I spent the whole time being cold. It was a chance to get my bones warm. But seeing as the Muslim country I was in was so liberal I didn’t realise that you could only enter the pools naked – absolutely butt naked, no swimsuit or even knickers and bra. I was shocked, it was on a Friday too and it was during Ramadan. I expected the women only pools but completely naked - no way. I didn’t know these people well enough to show my bits of to them so I opted out. What is this world coming too when you have to be butt naked in a Muslim country to swim in their hot springs.

We finally arrived into the Wakhan Valley and hoorah it was hot again. No more freezing and more chances of having shower facilities. I was so looking forward to my first shower in days but as usual it never works out the way you wanted it. Like toilets, showers were outside too. I wouldn’t have minded except that it had no doors, just 3 sides and an opening to get in and out which opened in front of some tall bushes. Not very private. I waited a while to make sure no one was around but it was a bit difficult seeing as the drivers were washing their jeeps and one of the ladies was doing the washing nearby. Plus some local kids were hanging about too. Quite a stressful shower but I was getting on with it. But you know when you know someone is watching you, I kept shouting out at them to go away because I could see 2 dark faces in the bushes…the expletives that came out of my mouth was terrible but I was so angry at the perverts. I quickly changed and threw the soap into the bushes and got a surprise when 2 black chickens ran out towards me.

I found it difficult to spend a lot of money on this trip, not many opportunities of shopping but when we did find a place I went nuts. Even when I bought like 20 lip balms and eyeliners I had only spent like $2…I couldn’t give it away. After shopping we headed towards the local museum and on my way I got my left boob fondled by a drunk, dirty old man. I saw him coming towards me sort of waving his hand and as he went past he actually honked my boob. I was kind of shocked but not surprised; I always get the weirdos no matter what country I’m in, they always seem to find me. Apparently you can adopt a babushka or male equivalent…sort of adopt a granny program. As their all old and can’t afford to live on their pensions the government or some charity thought up this scheme. And you can still participate even if you’re from overseas. So I’m off to adopt the dirty old guy.

Sierra Leone

shaz — Tue, 26 May 2009 12:30:00 GMT

I’ve finally found five minutes to write my last holiday blog…it only happened a month ago! It’s a good thing I have a good memory. Well I spent May half term in Sierra Leone. Again it’s one of those unusual holiday destinations that have been on my list forever.

As I stepped off the plane it hit me right in the face, the smell of Africa with a little BO thrown in for good measure. I say a little but there was quite a lot of body odour actually. I took out my little bottle of perfume at the airport and sprayed myself and when no one was watching sprayed some people as well.

To get to my hotel in Freetown I had a long drive and then a ferry crossing which I didn’t expect. I didn’t expect to be crushed either while trying to get off which is what happened. The crossing was at night so I couldn’t really see the condition of the ferry but I could imagine it. Made out of rusty tin with holes everywhere. There were way too many people and cars boarding, I could feel the ferry sinking with the weight. The guide assured me that this was normal and everything was fine. He suggested we wait in the dining/bar area which was difficult to get to and was upstairs. The ferry was packed. I guess this must have been the only way to get to Freetown. When it was time to get off the guide and I made a move to get back to the car but at the same time so did the porters who were coming into the dining area to carry people’s bags. This was the point where I nearly got crushed along with a couple of hundred other passengers. It was quite scary especially trying to get down very steep stairs while being pushed in all directions. I really thought I was going to fall. Then a small scuffle broke out on the steps between the porters and the ferry guys, I just wanted to be anywhere but there. Eventually I made it to the jeep without any injuries, I lost the guide but he eventually joined us a few minutes later. I had a feeling he was in the scuffle. So that was my first couple of hours of landing in Sierra Leone.

I had a very inexperienced guide or should I say lazy…that’s it, lazy. My driver was ok but he kept trying to reassure me that I was safe at every opportunity, this made me nervous. The hotels were out of the town centre which made it difficult for me to do stuff on my own. The hotel guys always insisted I took a cab and wouldn’t let me walk anywhere…which I love to do. Remembering what the driver said to me about me being safe with my guide and driver I decided not to chance it. Besides it was so bloody hot, the air conditioned hotel was heaven. Unfortunately this did not happen in all the hotels…the odd power cut at the most stupid times.

I loved Freetown; it’s the liveliest cities I’ve been too. It’s so loud and so full of people in every corner, every street all selling something. As there are no jobs, the people turn to self employment and sell things. Everybody has something to sell and they are all in Freetown.

As we moved out of the city towards the south you get to see more villages...they’re not too big and have very basic huts normally corrugated iron sheets used as walls and roof. It’s almost like a shanty town but not so overpopulated, it’s more spaced out as they have more land. Also there was a lot more boobs being on show. The ladies covered themselves up in the city except for a few who just had their tops around their necks with bra on show as it’s too hot. It is predominantly a Muslim country but when you’re hot you don’t want to be covered from head to toe in a burkha. I’m starting to realise that wearing a burkha is nothing to do with religion but it’s more of a subservience thing. I’d like to see the Iranian Fashion Police enforce their Islamic dress codes here.

I think my favourite place in the trip is Banana Island. I had a hut right on the beach and I was the only tourist on the whole island so had the beach all to myself. The hut was adequate with ensuite facilities but solar power only so none of my gadgets worked after the batteries ran out. Also the bar/restaurant was kind of closed as it was out of season, hence me being the only tourist on the island. Banana Island is full of mango trees and hasn’t even got 1 banana tree growing on the island. So it’s a good thing I was there only 1 night. I was able to go wandering and pick mangoes for dinner. Luckily I had brought some snacks, in fact I brought lots of snacks but I love mangoes and had them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. This was also the night of the Barcelona and Man Utd match and there was only 1 TV on the whole island. In my hut there are double doors, one is a screen to let the breeze in and the other is a proper door. As I was changing, out of habit I closed the proper door. As I got ready to leave to go watch the match I went to open the door and realised it was stuck. I tried pushing it, pulling it, shaking it and kicking it and it didn’t budge. I kept yelling for my guide or anyone else that might have been around but no one came. Worst still I knew they wouldn’t come as they were all watching the match and wouldn’t hear me. In the end I decided to climb out of the window…this was harder than it sounds. The window was almost shoulder height and not that wide. Eventually and in a very unlady like manner I managed to get through the window in one piece without breaking anything. I then made my way to where they were watching the match and sat there as if nothing had happened. I never shut that door all night even with the thunder storm…it was fantastic.

Easter in Yemen

shaz — Sat, 4 Apr 2009 15:19:00 GMT

This Easter I decided to visit Yemen. Not really a tourist destination but I’ve always been fascinated by it especially the island of Socotra which is supposed to be the Galapagos of the Middle East. Who the hell told them that? What a cruddy little place. Not much wildlife at all apart from some scary looking birds and funny trees with no leaves except for a few flowers on the top. Other than that it was just an island with not much to see or do. As they were not really equipped yet for tourism, they were basically missing out on the best part the island had to offer which was its beautiful beaches and coast. A lovely boat trip or cruise for snorkelling or diving is the only thing it’s good for. I didn’t swim once as I really didn’t want to be gawped at in a Muslim country but hey there were some French and Italian women on the beach with their tits out – why I was worried I will never know.

The stay on the island was a little longer than I expected, I got bored of the caves and beaches. One morning I just slept in till about 1pm. I met up with the guide later that day and he said that he had a surprise for me. He said while I was asleep he went out and bought lobsters (he bought these for me because I mentioned it would be nice to have some seafood on this island). I was really impressed. Also that we would be going to see a wedding and we had to leave straight away and they said they would pack up the lobster and eat it at the wedding. I was up for that, so they took me along so that I may experience a real Yemeni wedding. I had an experience alright. What was meant to be an hour’s visit turned into 10 hours. The guide left me with one of the women and said that she was his friend’s wife. So I followed her into a brick house which looked like a shambles but a bit of a tardis when I got in. Also a bit of a shock as I walked into a courtyard with about 50 women. Suddenly they all took of their burkhas. It was great, I was finally able to see their faces, unfortunately I had no idea which lady was my lady, the one who was looking out for me. I only got to see her eyes. So I was passed from one lady to another to ogle at my western clothes and made to dance with every single one of them. It was torture. About 5 hours in they brought out some biscuits and tea…and then more dancing, oh yeah and it was the same type of music all the way through. Luckily one of the ladies had some understanding of simple English and realised I liked their henna on their bodies. Suddenly, I say suddenly because they just pull you to wherever they want you to go – they held my hand and took me through an intricate maze of streets and into another courtyard. They took me into a room and lay me on their floor. One by one they pulled up my sleeves and trouser leg to expose my bare skin…at this point I though I was a goner. I kind of knew they wanted to do some henna or at least I thought that was what I was trying to say in my crappy Arabic but when you have no idea what is happening or where you are being taken too, your mind does tend to work overtime and think of all kinds of horrible things. Being taken hostage was one of them. Finally I was hennad within an inch of my life, my limbs went dead and I suffered from pins and needles but finally it was over. They cleaned of the excess henna and said that it was time to eat. Thank goodness as I was famished. The henna was really pretty and I was impressed with the results even though I thought the process was a little scary. The food finally arrived, I say food what we had was a huge tray of rice and on top of the rice was what can only be described as everything that came from a cow except the actual meat. There were brains, liver, lung, intestines etc. It was gross, definitely the worse wedding I’ve ever been to. And in all that time I never once saw the bride or groom or even another man. By the way the lobster was in the land rover all that time. The guys at the café had cooked it and put it in a carrier bag for me to take to the wedding but I never got a whiff of it in all that time. Finally got back to my hotel at about 2 am when the guide hands me the carrier bag with the cooked lobsters in. I was so hungry I ate it in my room straight out of the bag. It was delicious and I couldn’t care how sick I was the next morning, luckily my stomach in made of steel and there were no embarrassing incidents.

At last I left the island and headed for the mainland. Sanaa was ok; I liked the architecture of the old town. Some of the towns we visited with castles and villages on top of hills were just beautiful.

The other thing about the Yemenis that I must mention is their addiction with Qat which is a natural amphetamine which they chew all day and night. This is true for 90% of the population, obviously mainly the men. They spend so much of their money on it that it is becoming a real problem.. They say it’s not a drug because basically it’s just a bunch of leaves and stalks that they chew. They don’t just chew it and spit it out. They buy a small plastic bag of these leaves and stalks and one by one stuff these into their mouths chewing and chewing and at the same time stuffing more and more and never spitting it out. Eventually they have a mouthful of chewed leaves inside their cheeks, it looks like they have a face tumour but they are all at it. Drivers, farmers, shopkeeper hotel managers, porters etc all look like hamsters for most of the day. It was weird. Really off putting when I was chatting to my guide and bits of green juice and gunk would just ooze out of their mouths…really gross.

By the end of the trip I was looking forward to getting home as I realise now that places like Yemen as much of the same. Hot weather, not much to do, no shopping opportunities, crappy food, oppressed women and horny men…well not the ones drugged up on Qat.

Bangla Town

shaz — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 16:53:00 GMT

This was a very short trip taking in the best bits of Bangladesh. I only had a week so I had no choice really. Firstly I flew to Dhaka, I was impressed by the company looking after me. They gave me a mobile phone just in case I needed to contact them for any reason…this was a nice touch. I began with the usual city tour but had a surprise. You know me, I never read up on guide books or itinerary until I actually get there and even then I might not do it because of time. So I never expected Dhaka on the water. There were so many little boats like gondolas. A bit like Venice only a bit smelly…actually a lot smellier. The only problem with these gondolas is you have to stand. When I got on with the tour guide I sat down even though there was no where to sit, the boat was just flat. I saw others on the boat standing precariously. When I say others I mean maybe 20-30 people on each boat. These boats are not huge, they are pretty small but like the buses, cars and tuk tuks, they fill them as much as possible.

From Dhaka I headed south to the Sundarbans which is Bangladesh’s Eco National Park, home of the Bengal Tigers. No such luck, I saw paw prints, claw marks on trees and even their poop but no Bengal Tigers anywhere. I did see the biggest crocodile I’ve ever see in the wild, nearly 15 feet in length. Luckily I was no where near it. Spotted the big guy on the banks as we were sailing past…didn’t catch anyone wanting to swim then. I really enjoyed this part of the trip as I was with a group. I had my own cabin but you wouldn’t have guessed it. Let’s just say walls in a house boat is very thin…well it was on this boat. My neighbours were 2 girls at Uni in India, one girl was Indian with the most beautiful eyes ever and the other one was an American girl. They were obviously a couple as they were very touchy feely outside the cabin and you can just imagine what they were up to from the noises coming from inside their cabins. As I’m normally quiet as a mouse I bet they didn’t even realise I could hear them next door...thank god for my DVD player and headphones. Two girls are really not my thing, now if it was two guys that would be a different story.

After the boat trip we headed east I think towards Chittagong to check out some tribes that settled in the mountains. There are loads of different ethnic tribes that live there and own the land some how. The government doesn’t seem to mind them. From the facial features they are obviously descendents from Burma, Bhutan and places like that. All I can say is they are pretty shy as not many of them wanted their photos taken. But as usual the girls were beautiful and the kids were cute as a button.

It was a short trip but I covered the best that country had to offer plus a few extras along the way. It’s a bloody cheap country too. I struggled to spend the £20 I changed at the airport, in fact I came back with 800 local cigarettes for my brother and lots of curry powder as I tried to spend the last £11 on my last night there. I couldn’t give it away. So if any of you want to try these curry powders out just let me know, I got stacks.

My guide was ok, he was the owner of the travel company based in Bangladesh so I always had the best cars taking me everywhere and eating in the best restaurants. The only problem I had with him was he was always sniffing and not those little sniffs you get when you have a slight cold but really big flemmy ones. It was really gross when chatting with him as he always sniffed really loudly and I just wanted to duck for cover just in case he spat any of it out…but he never did. Really disgusting.

Apart from that lovely guide and another good trip. If you fancy a cheap holiday head to Bangladesh.

Djiboutian Whale Sharks

shaz — Tue, 23 Dec 2008 13:53:00 GMT

I spent my xmas and new year in Djibouti on a sailing trip. Everyone moaned at me saying where is that and when I explained to them they said why are you going there? What about the pirates and you know the usual isn’t Spain good enough for you remarks. Well there were no pirates anywhere, a little disappointing. I spent the whole time in the sun, snorkelling, eating, sleeping, snorkelling some more and eating some more. The highlight of the trip was swimming with whale sharks. Now when you hear this you think where I’m swimming there’s a whale shark further ahead type of thing. But no this was actually swimming with loads of whale sharks, actually being surrounded by them, actually screaming into my snorkel as one came towards me and my flippers was in it’s mouth. I have never been so scared, but it was a good scary feeling. I have never been so close to nature before and in an unfamiliar environment. I’m not very good at swimming but I like snorkelling as most of the time you are just floating. The flippers are great as it allowed me to stay in the water much longer and also I’d rather my flippers be in the whale sharks mouth than my feet. The water wasn’t too bad but it was definitely choppy and I swallowed a lot of sea water and got stung by whatever that’s in the plankton they eat but it was worth it. We did this over 2 days on and off and I got to see and practically touch the whale sharks. Not on purpose, I know the rules – keep 3 feet away from them but nobody told them that. I still do my thing where I close my eyes tight when I get scared as if nothing happens if I can’t see it. A few times when I had my eyes closed when I haven’t been able to get out of the way I have felt them, usually on my back. One time they knocked the camera from my hands. It was so cool. Even cooler ware the Foreign Legion on the beach doing combat and weapons practise. So while swimming with whale sharks we could see and hear the French Foreign Legion shooting their guns onto the side of a cliff and the odd helicopters flying over our heads. Absolutely bizarre. Imagine if there was a stray bullet coming our way…spent shells all over the beach. Obviously this part of the beach is restricted to tourists but not the wide open sea and as whale sharks swim close to the shore that’s where we had to be. They even waved to us when we got quite close…the soldiers not the whale sharks.

We also did snorkelling off the boat and I saw the best coral so far and it’s been my best experience snorkelling even better than the Galapagos. I saw the most beautiful and colourful fishes and the most bizarre looking things that were not fish. I took as many photos as I could with my cheap underwater camera. The photos are not too bad…not as clear as it was when I was in the sea but you can see the fishes.

The crew were fabulous and the captain was an absolute hilarious prankster…well with me anyway. He would constantly scare the pants off me while snorkelling. He would come up from behind and under me while snorkelling where I would be expecting fishes but got a faceful of a Frenchman instead. He did it every time and I jumped (as much as you can in seawater) every time. He found it very amusing. Another time me and my fellow passenger were doing that Kate Winslet and Leonardo Dicaprio bit on Titanic – while I was on the edge (of the pointy bit of the ship) doing my “king of the world” bit when the captain jumped on and tried to push me off. This was while the ship was at full steam so it was quite scary. Then he wanted a photo done and the other guy was taking a photo, unfortunately the captain was wearing a sarong and when the wind blew we all saw that he was going commando. Shame the guy didn’t manage to capture it on film, would have been good to add it to my collection of naked/exposed body parts photos. He got a little embarrassed…serves him right.

It was a very relaxing trip but also very exciting because of trying to dodge bullets and whale sharks. The whale sharks definitely made the trip for me. They were beautiful.

Venezuela

shaz — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 10:09:00 GMT

I’ve just come back from Venezuela for my half term break. A good trip slightly similar to some of my other South American visits except that I ended up being the only person on the tour...which was great, tailor-made trip but without the extra costs. Straight onto day 1, where I flew on one of those tiny aeroplanes with like 10 seats to Venezuela’s archipelago Las Rochas. A collection of little islands with lovely beaches. From there I boarded a huge catamaran to set off for the day’s excursion. I say excursion but it was a party boat full of Italians and Spaniards and the odd South American getting pissed and lounging around in practically less than nothing in the sun. I didn’t expect to have a beach holiday so brought no swimming costume but I did pack my snoopy pyjama shorts set, kind of skimpy so it would do. I worried that what I had on I would wear to bed so felt a little self conscious. No worries there as my ship mates were practically in the buff. They really do like their thongs…even the guys. What a sight …picture sizzling frankfurters on a BBQ. There were bare bums everywhere, fat ones, pert ones, flat ones, humongous ones, spotty ones, lumpy ones and my favourite type – hairy ones. Mix that with a trashy euro soundtrack and Roxette’s greatest hits album and you get an idea of my first day in Venezuela. Fantastic!

The second day was very different and much more my style. This time I headed for south of the border, the Orinoco Delta to be exact. I flew in one of those little planes again and then had a little bus ride and then onto a motor boat for an hour through an amazing winding river. My guide was very informative and kept reminding me of how I was the only one on the trip and would be the only visitor in the lodge. He couldn’t believe it. I loved the lodge; it was in the middle of nowhere. From here we did some excursions. My first excursion was a trip to the lagoon to see the sunset. It was quite spectacular except for all the bugs and the fact that I had that stupid Enya song in my head the whole time. You know the one…”let me sail, let me sail to the Orinoco flow”. Then the boat got caught in the weeds and we had to stop and dislodge it from the propeller blades. It was dark so they needed the light on and this attracted all the bugs. I was worried about having my face eaten off by them. I already looked like the elephant woman as I had a bite on my right eye, two bites on my left cheek and 1 bite on my right ear. These bites weren’t little mosquito bites, these bites swelled up luckily not as much as it swelled up on my hand and arms or I would have just stayed in my room all day and refused to come out just in case I scared the locals. After getting unstuck we went of looking for Caymans. We saw a couple and caught one of them and had a little feel and then released it. The guys only caught the baby ones of course as the mummy sized ones would probably have bitten their hands off.

The next morning a couple of groups arrived plus 2 more guides at the lodge so I joined them kayaking and piranha fishing. While kayaking there was a pink dolphin which I missed but I saw the howler monkeys. Then we went fishing. I have never fished before let alone fish for piranhas with a stick and a bit of meat on the end of a hook. I came close twice but just as I pulled the line the piranha let go. I also came close to taking off the guides tackle too, I mean really close. As I tried to pull the line quite hard the hook came flying back and touched his private parts but didn’t hook on thank god. It’s a good thing I’m crap at fishing or a piranha wouldn’t be the only thing I caught. The last few days of the trip was pretty much just relaxing. A couple more plane rides and I ended up in another lodge which was far swankier than the last one. Again in the middle of nowhere but with far less mosquitoes and a fab room. I had a hammock in my room so I slept in it all the time, didn’t touch the beds except to jump on and off the hammock. Actually come to think of it, the only bad thing about the lodge is where the bar is situated. It’s right on top of a hill and my room was right at the bottom. So every time I wanted a drink I had a little hike up the hill which was such a pain. You guys know I hate any kind of exercise especially on holiday. But the views from the bar were great especially when the planes came to land as the lodge had its own runway. I say runway, it was just a bit of dirt road.

My last night at the lodge was a little peculiar as one of the guides came to my room to see if I was dead or alive. At this point I was the only one in the lodge again and after lunch I disappeared to my room never to be seen again. So at 8pm I heard him call my name so I guessed it was dinner time. I walked with the guide to the bar but on the way he became quite agitated obviously been drinking and started telling me a tragic story about his daughter. Oh my god I was so shocked and I didn’t know what to say. I hoped to god that he didn’t join me for dinner. I sat at my table and he went and sat somewhere else but I could hear him sobbing his heart out. So what do I do…I took out my book and read. The owner came out with my dinner and told me to ignore whatever the guides were getting up to. So I said no problem and carried on reading my book and having my meal. After the crying the guide picked up a stick and pretended it was a sword and started what I can only recognise as a scene from Kill Bill. This went on for about 10 minutes; he was also dressed in yellow which is why I thought of Kill Bill. After his little sword fight he came to the table and told me not to disappear like I normally do as he went to get a drink I assumed. So I ate really quickly, said goodnight and legged it back to my room before he came back to the table.

The next day which was my last day it seems that all was forgotten from the night before, which was fine by me. We flew for 7 minutes to Canaima to check out the waterfalls. On the way to the falls the guide babbled a list of films that were filmed there, Last of the Mohicans, Jurassic Park blah blah and then said 2 pornos from Sweden too. It was the funniest thing he said all trip. We took another boat to the falls and walked behind it. I got totally drenched but it was fun. We didn’t get to see Angel Falls on the plane as it was too cloudy and dangerous to fly there but for some reason I really wasn’t bothered.

As we all parted ways I couldn’t help but notice the guide rushing to get rid of me. I guess he was back home and was desperate to get back. He pointed out where I was checking in and where I had to pay the taxes and then said thanks for visiting his country and goodbye. He didn’t even give me a chance to give him his tip. He was off. So I had 2 hours to kill before checking in so I went shopping and spent the guides tip. It was a shame really as I really had a great time.

Pakistan

shaz — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 13:22:00 GMT

I spent my second half of the summer travelling around Pakistan. This time not with a group but just me on my own and a guide. There are definitely lots of positives about not being with a group tour. I can chop and change the itinerary as I want it. I can stay longer or leave earlier in the places I’m visiting and I don’t have to share a room with people that want to get naked all the time or be with people I don’t really like. There were some negatives too. A hell of a lot more expensive and you can’t hide from a boring guide. He was so dull; I was desperate for company, I was desperate for a laugh.

The first two days were fine as I lived with a local family in the old city of Lahore. Very basic living conditions. I had the kid’s room, mattress on the floor, dodgy ceiling fan and a hole in the ground for toilet and a bucket under a tap to wash with. I really didn’t mind this, basic but clean and the fact I was living with a family was a huge bonus. The mum was a great cook so that was no problem. They had three lovely quiet kids who had to sleep on their parent’s floor for the 2 nights I stayed with them. I felt bad about that. I had fantastic views of the old city from the rooftop where they spent most of the evenings to keep cool. I had a view of the tiny narrow walkways between the houses. Under my window was a great big bullock and poop everywhere. It was definitely fresh in the mornings. The only downside is the power cuts they had nearly 6-7 times every 24 hours. The place itself was practically a sauna and the fan just about kept me cool but as soon as there was a power cut I was sweating my arse off. The power cuts were at the most ridiculous times. They only had 1 during the afternoons and 3 in the evenings between 6pm and midnight lasting an hour each time and then 2 more at 3am and 6 am. So I had no sleep both nights I was there.

During my stay with the family I met other families in the old city, neighbours and in laws. There were many ladies around mid 20ish that stayed at home all day. They had finished their education and they didn’t work because their fathers or older brothers paid their keep and didn’t want them to mix with men. So basically they watched TV all day, eat and go shopping occasionally with the family. This happened until they got married. I found this very strange, grown women who seemed to be educated doing sod all for years until they get married off. So you get a bunch of ladies hanging about the house gossiping and dreaming of their next shopping trip. Now that is a huge event. I innocently said I want to go shopping and would the ladies like to join me. Oh my days, what a huge hassle that was. I waited nearly 2 hours for them to get ready. Seeing as that was the highlight of their month the ladies went all out to dress up. They were bleaching theirs arms and face, having baths, putting on make up and wearing the nicest sexiest clothes (why bother when they cover themselves up as soon as they step outside). I looked a complete tramp next to them. After all that I only spent 30 minutes in the bazaar.

Another strange thing these ladies did was during the 10pm power cut. As I said when there is a power cut at night the family I stayed with would head for the roof to keep cool. This was a practice done by most families and the ladies who lived next door were no different. But what they do is very strange indeed. As they are not allowed out, they don’t get much exercise. So the ladies spend the hour during the power cut walking up and down the length of their roof because it’s dark and they can’t be seen by men. As there are many ladies around the old city, at 10pm you can go up on the roof and see all the other rooftops with loads of ladies doing their walking exercises. Going up and down, a very strange scene that lasts exactly an hour, they bring water bottles and everything. In fact they asked me to join them. I did a couple of lengths then got bored.

After Lahore I travelled to Islamabad and then north to Gilgit and Hunza Valley using the Karakoram highway. This part of the country is very picturesque and much cooler. Lots of mountains and glaciers. I also managed to do a 3 hour trek to fairy meadows for a spectacular view of the 3^rd highest mountain in the world Nanga Parbat aka killer mountain. Killer mountain was definitely right as it nearly killed me doing the walk. It must have been at quite a high altitude because I was so slow and got tired very quickly either that or I’m getting too old.

I was rather disappointed with my lack of interaction with the locals outside of Lahore. The people seemed more wary of me and I felt a bit uncomfortable getting my camera out. This is not normally a problem for me as I get away with quite a lot just by smiling and chatting to the person I want to photograph. But here I definitely felt uncomfortable and didn’t have the nerve to go up to some of the locals and chat to them like I normally do. They just seemed very unfriendly which was not the case in Afghanistan.

Afghan Endurance

shaz — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 07:20:00 GMT

This summer I went travelling around Afghanistan, obviously missing the most dangerous parts which are the Helmund and Kandahar provinces. I found it really interesting especially the people I met. I couldn’t believe how friendly everyone was. I thought they wouldn’t be that susceptible to foreigners but they couldn’t get enough of us.

There were 7 of us in the group plus the tour leader and the local guide. The tour leader might as well not been there. He was just like another member of the group but slightly more annoying. He apparently spent a lot of years in Afghanistan doing photography which meant that he would be the best person for the job of leading the tour. Well a skill in dealing with people would be nice and also an understanding of the Afghan people. He absolutely hated them and the country. He didn’t have a positive word to say about either. He was always very sullen and a very negative person. Maybe all those years in the country has made him that way but from what I saw of him I think that’s just his way. The local guide was a complete moron, childish and very unorganised but likeable enough.

Now about my room mate…another one who loved getting her kit off any chance she got. She asked if I had a problem with nudity and I said not really. I should have said yes definitely and told her not to point any of her bits in my direction, but then there would be nothing to chat about with the rest of the group. We had a nudey report every morning with the gang in our jeep. She had a pierced nipple…a bar if I remember correctly. A nice enough lady that only ate salads and thought she was fat (typical) and hoorah…she didn’t snore.

I didn’t get up to much on this trip. I tried to behave myself because I knew where I was, I couldn’t just go wandering about on my own even though I tried on a couple of occasions to ditch the group and the armed guard. Did so in the bazaars and in Kabul near the hotel, just went out for a walk with another lady in the group just for a change. So it wasn’t too bad. Just got told off a couple of times to cover my hair, I hated doing this. So I compromised. I didn’t use the scarf because it would never stay on, I used a bandana instead and it seemed to work.

I did get into a little trouble with the tour leader. I was forever picking up stuff like spent shells and shrapnel. I found this huge anti aircraft shell in the citadel and I put it in my back pocket. When I showed him the shell he snatched it off me and threw it into the bushes. I was about to give him a piece of my mind when he shouted at me that the shell was in fact a live bullet. I had it in my back pocket for the last hour in the blazing heat, climbing up and crawling down on my butt from the walls of the citadel...just think, I could have blown me arse off! After checking to make sure that the shells I picked up were in fact not live I now have a nice collection of all sizes.

I loved the tanks that were just lying about the place. Some were in really good shape and others had been stripped. I climbed on them, got into a couple and managed to take off their serial tag which I’ve added it to my collection of shells.

The bazaars were great fun. The afghan people are so friendly and they loved having their photos taken. I’ve never seen so many different faces in one country. Sometimes you could mistake an afghan for being a White European especially the ones with beautiful blue eyes. Some had green eyes and very strong features from looking like an English person to a Mongolian person. The ones with the blue and green eyes are said to be descendents of Alexander the Great.

Obviously it was difficult to see the ladies as they were all covered in Burkhas. But the ones I met were very friendly. I met one lady at a mosque and took her picture without her burkha at her request. I went back to the mosque a few times during the day and kept bumping into her but obviously I wouldn’t have recognised her because of her burkha. She would come up to me and say something in Dari and I would look blankly, she would then pull up her burkha and say it’s me! And laugh her head off.

I saw something strange while walking in the bazaar. You know me and seeing naked people. Well this person was not really naked more topless. It was a slightly older and heavyset lady; she was minding her own business buying stuff from a stall when I noticed her pendulous bossoms. She had a very see through top. I had to look twice as usually women are covered from head to toe. This one was only wearing a head scarf (not only that, she had a top and bottom on too) but her boobs were on show. Funnily no one else noticed, not the shopkeeper who was right in front of them. I pointed it out to the tour leader and he was shocked. She finally saw us staring and looked down and realised her wardrobe malfunction and fixed her scarf to cover herself. Shame I didn’t take a photo.

On one of our very long and tough journeys back to Kabul we decided to have some melon. The guys in our jeep were great fun and this journey was no different, if maybe a little dangerous. The journey was tough because of the awful roads, potholes the size a minivans and long, winding and narrow roads. We in the backseat decided to cut up this melon as we were so hungry. We had been on the road for hours so we were desperate. Have you tried cutting a melon while being thrown around in the back of a jeep? We were lucky not to get garrotted. Melon juice everywhere, at least it wasn’t blood which could so easily have been the case. In fact the guy in the front seat got a little scratch on the back of the head as we were thrown forward and the knife slightly nicked him but no blood so it was all good in the end. I never laughed so hard in ages.

While in the Panjhir Valleys we went horse riding which would have been great because of the scenery but my horse was obviously stoned. My horse guy was smoking a joint all the way and he kept offering me some. I kept saying no but my guide had a blast. My horse was acting weird because he would just try to sit down every chance he got and when we crossed the river I got completely soaked as again he tried to sit down. I guess they were right about secondary smoking…my horse was a goner.

One of the highlights of the trip was the night in an open air guesthouse across the river from Bagram Airbase. Let’s just say no one got any sleep that night. The whole place rocked when the F16’s flew past, about six in total. One of the best things I’ve seen is the Chinook helicopter against a moonlit backdrop. Fanbloodytastic!

In fact I loved this trip completely. Yeah the guide was a moron and the tour leader was a bit of an old git but to be in Afghanistan was a highlight in itself and made up for some of the crappy bits that happened during the trip.

Boring in Bulgaria

shaz — Sat, 31 May 2008 12:56:00 GMT

I spent a boring week in Bulgaria in the Rodopi Mountains. I didn't get into any trouble! Normally I would do Europe by myself but I managed to find a group tour for exactly the same dates I needed for far less than I could have come up with. I didn’t realise it was a rambling holiday. It’s a walking holiday which I could have coped with as all walking (there was walking everyday) was optional. What I couldn’t cope with was the group. They were not optional!
We were based in a lodge in beautiful surroundings. Unfortunately there was nothing to do except go walking. I’m not much of a walker; I tried the first 2 days and then gave up. It wasn’t the walking, boring as it was but it gave you something to do. It was the group I was with that was the problem. What a bunch of whingers…and they were very old apart from one or two who were fun. The tour leader (she was training someone so
wasn’t really on duty) she was fun to chat with but the others were hard work. Don't even get me started on my room mate! I think I’m getting less tolerant of people as I get older. Do you find that or is it just me? I could have coped with breakfast with the group as some of you know me I pretty much skip breakfast for the extra time in bed, so no problems there. But lunch and dinner too, that was way too much. No free time of your own just to chill. So I had 2 free days away from walking and more importantly away from the group. It was bliss. I spent the 2 days sleeping, eating, drinking my own supply of Baileys and reading, yes in that order. Occasionally I looked at the pretty views. I skipped the traditional last group meal to avoid the crappy menu. I hate it when people tell me what I can and cannot eat. If I go to a restaurant I will choose my own food. Just because I’m with a group doesn’t mean I want
the local guide to set a menu that I have to stick to and pay loads of money for it. His mark up was outrageous. No matter how nice the English guide was about explaining how there has been a price increase since Bulgaria joined the EU. If that was the case then I wouldn’t have be able to have a fabulous meal with one of the guys from the group for a third of the price of the group meal. Obviously the price increase only occurs
with the local guide. Nice way to make extra money I guess. They're not getting my money!

PLEASE NOTE THE PHOTO OF THE 4 VILLAGE LADIES IS NOT MINE. GOT THE PIC FROM AN OUTDOOR GALLERY IN SOFIA.