It's in the small things

Do I want a bap, a barm, or a butty?
It's a sunny Monday afternoon in Cambridge and my bike and I have just narrowly escaped certain death on a roundabout . To celebrate I decided to nip into a sandwich shop. A local one, not Subway, because my parents would be disappointed in me if I spend the year eating at American franchises instead of soaking up the culture. But, really, all I want right now is a sandwich. Some form of bread with a bit of bacon in between. I'm not even bothered if it comes with sauce, as long as it's not 'brown sauce'. The ingredients are a mystery to me but the name isn't exactly enticing. I could ask but I've already established that even after three years at an international college I still only understand BBC-English.
Assuming all three are bread, what could a 'bap' be? It sounds like kebab. Does that mean pita-bread? Will there be actual kebab meat? Do I want to eat greasy meat at 1 in the afternoon? Probably not. Then there's the 'barm,' which sounds like 'barn.' So maybe some local farmers bread? Something with loads of seeds that will distract from my precious bacon. Better not. That leaves the 'butty'. I don't even know where to start on this one. Only one thing comes to mind. Two if you count pirate treasure. My eyes are drawn to the brown sauce and my hunger fades.
I feel like a failure as I leave the shop and cycle home. England didn't seem like such a crazy choice when I decided to move here. It's only an hour away from the Netherlands and I considered myself to be fluent in the language. But England seems like a different world now that I'm here. I don't know how to properly pronounce 'scones,' tea comes with milk in it, people get upset when you call a biscuit a cookie. Every day I'm surprised by small cultural differences. It's as if somewhere on my way here I fell down the rabbit hole and got stuck in this curious country and I can't help but wonder: 'How did I get here?'
When I get home I log on to my laptop and open google. I type in 'butty, bap or barm'. Numerous forums pop up and question marks fill the screen. This user's grandmother says bap, but their friends say roll. This person prefers the term muffin. Another believes a bap is like a roll, but a bap is not a muffin. The replies, however, suggest that this person is actually describing a butty. I sip my milk-less tea and smile.
I might not be able to fully comprehend the vast world of British sandwich terminology, but neither can the native Briton.