chinapies

PandapandapandaMUSHROOMMUSHROOM

chinapies — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 05:13:00 GMT

Gawsh. Well, the last blog-related thing I did was move back to Worldnomads, which was last week. Since then I've dumped all my old bloggathons, and it's turned out whack coz I don't know why.

Anyhow. You're probably wondering about the title of this blog, right? Well, click on this and prepare for annoyance! Er, unless you work at the WDC in which case coz those useless dumb terminals they give you don't have sound or flash, so don't bother.

Well, dang near two weeks ago (!!!) 林月欣 and I went to check out some 大熊猫 at the 大熊猫 centre in norther - ah woops. Okay if you don't have Chinese fonts set up, all you gonna see is a bunch of weird boxes and shtuff. If you do have Chinese fonts installed, then you will still be screwed coz unless your 普通话是很好, 你不看这是写的. Anyhow, back to the 大熊猫.

Whee! Okay what the hell is that thing? Yes this was an actual photo taken by me and not from like National Geographic or Wikiopedia. You can tell I took the photo coz I waited for the panda to do something embarrassing, which is how I take all of my photographs, and not just with pandas either. So to prove it even further:

As you can see, that is me to the right. You can tell it's me from the size of my forehead, which grows larger with every passing day. In the background is a 大熊猫, yes a real live panda bear. And yes, it is eating bamboo. Somehow these dudes made bamboo seem so goshdarn tasty that I was awful tempted to try some myself. I didn't though, but one day I will.

So you're not too impressed so far, coz it's just one panda? Okay, try two.

How about three?

Geez, STILL not impressed?? Let's keep upping the numbers then, shall we!

Yes that's right, four.

WHAT? You saw four pandas on some nature prog last week> Well then, take THIS.

And THIS!

Waaaait a second, I hear you say. There's only five pluddy pandas in this photo! Where the flang is number six??? Well, look again, buddy. Go up from the centre of the photo and then slightly to the right. You will see an interesting fruit dangling from a tree there, above the playground. A closer look at this so-called "fruit" reveals THIS...

WHAT THE HELL.

This is actually stage two of panda-fruiting, known as "pillowing". As the panda-flower unfurls, it goes into a more mature version known as "chillin", as demonstrated below.

Now, much of a pandas life is spent in the "chillin" phase. It is either doing this:

Or it's doing this:

There is no variation between these forms of panda-fruit. Er, with the exception of the first photo I showed you's all.

Well. Impressed? Good. The next episode of "PandaMUSHROOM" will feature 3-month old panda cubs. You will say "cuuuuuuuute!" so many times during this future episode that you will annoy your co-workers or co-inhabitors. Be prepared.

Pies. Out.

Back! Possibly...

chinapies — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 00:44:00 GMT

Hey y'all, I'm thinkin' about comin back to Worldnomads coz gouglge groups ain't all it was cracked out to be... So I'll try to transfer all my googlegroups stuff over dis way, and if it's not too painful, I shall from henceforth cease use of evilgoogle and continue with Worldnomads. See you all soon!

Dingers

chinapies — Thu, 29 Nov 2007 04:12:00 GMT

Whooooah! The last time I posted a blog on this blog (?) was the freakin' 16th of October! What the heck has happened to me???

Oh. That's right. I've become used to this place. Seeing a bicycooter trundle past with a 4-metre-high load of crap is now not out of the ordinary. Seeing cute little babies bundled up for the cold but having their bottoms exposed for, er, do-I-need-to-explain, is nothing new. Not seeing the sun for weeks on end is just a part of life. Spending an afternoon hugging the toilet bowl during a huoguover is what you do around here. Need I say any more? So of course, I haven't been taking any photos, I haven't written any bloggles, and I've been pretty bad with emails. Sigh. The life of Pies in China.

BUT. Now, things are about to change. Why you ask? Well, for the first time since arriving in Chengdu, I have finally done the unimaginable. I have gone on a vacation. Out of Chengas (pronounced: Ch-ung-uhzz). Away from my safe hidey hole and into the big wide world that is the rest of China (or a part of the rest of China... and a small part at that.). Why should this be such a big deal? Surely I have all this time on my hands, so why didn't I go, like, 2 months ago or something?

Well, the answer is quite simple. Imagine this - you are a spaceman and you have landed on the moon. You want to get to the local moon-restaurant coz it's been a while since you've had anything to eat. So you ask the nearest moon-man how to get to a restaurant. Of course, he speaks moon-ish, so a) how the*%#&@ is he supposed to know what you've just said, and b) even if he could barely understand you, how the *^%^% are you supposed to know what he says when he gives you directions? He's speaks moon-ish, for Pete's sake!

Replace the word "moon" with "China", and you have an idea how daunting it was for us to leave the safe hidey-hole of Chengas, a city in which we had finally begun to feel quite comfortable. Fortunately we have been learning Chinese, and I must say, 我门说的不错! However, 我觉得学习汉语很难! Consequently, 我们将要学习汉语很久...

No, I am not very good at Chinese. Yes, it took me about half an hour to write the above sentences. No I have not checked them with a native Chinese speaker. Yes, they might be rubbish.

So we split from Chengas, and we went to a fantastic city called...

Kangding.

Páo mǎ liūliū de shǎnshang, yìduǒ liūliū de yún yo

(The horse rides around the mountain, below the mountain is a cloud...)

So what the hell am I on about now?

This is a real picture, and was not taken from National Geographic nor wikipedia (although you may see a striking resemblance to the wikipedia photo... or you may not, because you are not an uber-nerd like I am, and actually have a life and spend your days doing fun things instead of sitting on the couch reading wikipedia. Back to Kangding). Dingers is a small-large town that is a *%#^$%# 7-hour bus ride from Chengas. It is the coolest place in the universe. As you can see, it is nestled in a valley and is surrounded by mountains which are just awesome. Here is a mountain or two for you:

Notice something else? Well, probably not, because it's been so long since I've blogged, but here is what I want you to notice. This is a Chengas sky:

Yes that faintly glowing circle just left of the top middle is the sun. Aaaah, a beautiful day in Chengas, where one can feel the air that you breathe clogging your lung-pores. Here is a Dingers sky (pardon the power lines):

Spot the difference? Yes, that's right. That is a cloud. Now for those of you that live in places which have "clouds", we who live in Chengas do not believe in such fictional inventions of the human imagination. Until, that is, we go to Dingers, and we see that "clouds", like Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, do exist. I love Dingers. Dingers is also home to a whole bunch of buddhist monasteries. Check this one out for cool:

While we didn't visit that one per se, we did go to one right next to the Dog-Turd Cafe, but I forgot to take a pic of the front of it because - what? Oh, the Dog-Turd Cafe? It's where we stayed during our visit. Huh? Why do I call it the Dog-Turd Cafe? I'll let you work that one out. Here's a monastery pic I did take, though:

Those streamer-looking things are actually prayers, of all things, printed out on colourful sheets and dangled just about anywhere you can think of. Like a power pylon, for instance:

Or, er, whatever this thing is:

Pretty neat, huh? We took these phots on the way down from Paoma Shan, which is the mountain made famous in the Kāngdìng Qínggē song which everyone in the whole of China knows.

Arright, well I have a bunch of other pictures which I'll put up in the next post (I know what you're thinking... how many times has Chinapies promised to do something in the next post, and then never done it? Ten times? Fifteen times? Every time? Well I am sorry, but tough bickies said the kitty. Now you'll want to know what that means. Well I'm not gonna tell you.)

Speaking of tough bickies, Dingers is also home to the notoriously ferocious Ding-Dang Attack Dog. This one nearly took my leg off when we passed by:

KootchiSCHMOOSHIpootchypoooh!!!

Pies out, fer now.

Bin a while

chinapies — Tue, 16 Oct 2007 05:10:00 GMT

Heyo folks, one thousand of apologies for the immense delay. There is no excuse. There has just been nothing going on! Seriously! Life's hit the day-to-day monotony of life as an English teacher in China (!!!), and if there were something interesting to say, I would have said it. Flang. And I've said enough about the flang-dang bicycooter to bore anyone to tears. Hmm.

Maybe I could turn this group into a philosophical discussion on something random like "Why would someone plant belladonna outside the Foreign Experts accommodation?" or "Is Grease 2 better than Grease, and does anyone give a dang?" Okay, the answer to the second question is obviously a resounding "WHO GIVES A *%%#$@!", but the belladonna has us all miffed. I do believe our employers want to kill us... slowly. Sigh.

Oh yeah, the other reason I ain't written in ages is lack of footage. And who the heck wants to read a blog without pix? No, I refuse to become one of those 2-hits-a-month ding-dongs who writes about how cool their electric bicycle is. This is a photo-journal, and you can't have a photo-journal without any photos. Flang.

Enough moaning from me. I will post something more substantial in the near future, but for now, argh, this is all I can manage! Btw, interesting to hear good ol' SS himself has become the new mayor of Whangazville. If anyone in the Monitoring Team needs a job in China in the very near future, start up a discussion!

Pies out.

Sorry.

National Day Week Part II - The Two 'cycooters

chinapies — Sat, 6 Oct 2007 05:02:00 GMT

I will start today's blog by generating some hate-mail with the following statement:

FRANCE - 20 ALL BLACKS - 18

Let the hate-mail flow!

Riiight, anyhow, lemme continue the National Day story from the last post. (It is still National Day Week, btw... just... we have to go back to school tomorrow, and there ain't no more holidays til January!! :-( ). After wandering through town eating disgusting glop and not watching any parade, we decided to high-tail it to Sabrina's, a foreign goods store in the south of Chengdu. Lan Ya and Hu Wen Bo wanted to pick up various stuff so they could cook up some curry. Lin Yue Xin and I tagged along, but I don't recall if we bought anything. They do sell Pop-Tarts at Sabrina's, and we have stocked up, but that was much later (like, Friday or something).

Blah blah blah I'm getting to the main story. Lan Ya and Hu Wen Bo headed off, leaving Lin Yue Xin and I to look for bicycle helmets, which we were told could be purchased from a Giant store nearby (Giant the bicycle, not the adjective, duh...). We go into said Giant store and find some helmets, yay. And then........... (wow, a lot of full stops)

We saw this:

Whaoh. Or is it Whoah? Either way, I mean, whoha! That thing got some style! So we leave the Giant store... yes, that's right, we walked out. Twenty seconds later and we were straight back in. Wossa price tag? 1990yuan. Hmmm. Shall we? No, we should give it some thou - okay, why not. We have helmets now, so we won't die.

And then there were two:

Man do these need theme music. I'd go with the Knight Rider music, coz it was cool, but not as cool as these things. This photo was taken in our allocated "bicycooter testing area", which is about 15 mins away from the south gate of SNU and is, quite literally, in the middle of nowhere. Very strange that we'd find a massive vacant street just down the road, but it makes a great place for driving-lesson practice. I, on the other hand, am in no need of practice, for I can do THIS cool stunt:

And this:

AND this:

Notice the aerodynamic shape of my torso and posterior? It ensures maximum airflow over the surface of the bicycooter and minimum drag. High speeds can be attained using this method. You can almost hear the cycooter going 'eee-eee-eeescrraOOUOOURRRRWHAAOAOSSsssss' as it flies past, achieving super-sonic speeds without use of afterburner. Not bad for an electric bicycle.

So if you are unable to posture yourself in the necessary manner, you may resort to assuming the following position:

Notice the upright position of Lin Yue Xin. Both hands place firmly on the handle-bars. Reflector lights turned on for maximum visibility prior to departure. Undercarriage lowered for maximum stability (in this case, Lindsay is using the non-conventional one-carriage retracted form, in order to ensure minimum effort is required prior to take-off. Not recommended, unless you have flown a bicycooter before (which Lin Yue Xin has (man, there's a lot of parentheses going on at the moment (lol, bet you lost count (there's now 5 btw))))).

After rotation, Lin Yue Xin demonstrates level flight, with all controls trimmed up quite nicely.

Note that the aircraft - er, bicycooter, I mean - is holding a steady compass heading. However, she is also heading straight towards me. That's okay, I am an expert in bicycooter avoidance policy. Consequently, I was not killed after this picture was taken.

The very next day after purchasing Lin Yue Xin's fighter jet , we went on a grand adventure around Chengdu and, of course, forgot to take photos. Sorry. We will repeat the excursion at some stage and clickety-pix for you's all. Stay tuned!

Pies tip of the day: If you are traveling, take lots of pictures! I had a fun time ushering Ernesto out of the bathroom yesterday (after he had disappeared for some time, and my, had he grown!) and into the garden, but didn't take any pictures. I've seen vehicles and bicycooters lumbering past us on the 'cycooter lanes encumbered with the most incredible things (so far, the best have been: 1) a refrigerator and air-conditioner, with a repairman fixing both of them, on the back of a scooter; and 2) a full-sized scooter on the back of a bicycle (the rider was very well-balanced!)) and didn't take a pic. Sigh.

Pies pic of the day: Yes, today you get not one but two "Pies .... of the day". And you didn't even have to pay extra! Anyhow, the pic.

After purchasing the bicycooter, I was feeling pretty happy, and so was Lin Yue Xin. In fact, we were feeling more than just happy. We were feeling purky. Yes, that's right. Purky. In order to celebrate our purkiness, we went here:

This is where you can feel as purky as you want, and not get arrested by the purk-police. Awesome.

National Day Week Part I - Fellowship of the Flang

chinapies — Thu, 4 Oct 2007 04:59:00 GMT

Monday the first of October is National Day in China. Therefore, this place being the coolness that it is, they give you the week off. Now, why on Earth couldn't they think of something as cool as that in New Zealand/Australia/everywhere else? Instead, in NZ, they just give you the day off, and we go ooh aah, we have a 3-day weekend coming up soon, yay!...

How lame. National Day Week is where it's at!

As a consequence of having such a long and nice holiday, people like to travel, so we decided that we would travel too. At that stage of our planning, however we neglected a little, er, sticking point. A holiday in China does not result in a mere 30,000 people driving up to their batches in Oakura (or Dalian, the Chinese version of such idylicness... idylliality... woteva). Instead we're talking, like, 300-400+ million people on the go. For some reason the word "swarms" comes to mind. So, instead of headin' off to someplace random like Kanding or Beijing, we decided that we would roam around Chengdu on our bicycooters and get a feel for the place. (Did you note the plural use of the word "bicycooter"? More on that inna minute.)

And we had also neglected yet another important fact. As a consequence of having a lovely long holiday, SNU decided that the students would have to study during the weekend prior. Which meant that they must have teachers to teach them, which in turn meant that - hey presto! - our weekend was instantly ruined. Well, it wasn't too bad, but Linds had an 8am class last Sunday, and that had to suck. I, on the other hand, had only one class on Saturday, and therefore I spent Sunday morning snoozing until, like, 10 or something. Sigh.

Anyhow, back to Monday. Hmm, maybe I should Chapterise this thing, like I did with the other one about the bicycooter. Hey, is anyone gettin' sick of hearing about the bicycooter yet? If so, please start up a discussion or something. I don't wanna bore anyone by continued blogging (read: ceaseless-garbaging) about a Chinese-manufactured electric bicycle. As cool as it might be. Dang do I love bicycooters!

The Previous Friday

There, that's better. Chapters are where it's at!

Okay, sorry, I was supposed to write about Monday. If you hadn't noticed, the title of this chapter is "The Previous Friday". I knew you didn't notice. Monday'll be next, promise! It's just that I noticed some photos from Friday's goodness that I gotta show ya's. We got invited to the Sichuan People's Government official party hooplah, and it was a lovely evenin' of just hangin' out and eatin' food. Some pix for you!

Woo, I can add centred text! Niiice. I'm beginning to like ol' googlie groups again. What? Oh yeah, the picture. Sorry. This fancy-schmancy hotel above is where the party was at. Pretty impressive huh? Yeeeaah. Sichuan Peoples Government of the Peoples Republic of China FTW!!! Woops, sorry folks, an inside joke which only Craig and Leon will understand... my sincere apologies.

Hokay, this one is so cool I can't even begin to tell you how cool it is. I can, however, begin to tell you what it is. To begin with, the entire thing is made out of root vegetables. Well, the middle bit we're not sure about, and we're not sure exactly which root vegetables the rest is made out of, but pumpkins and taro come to mind. What you have is a pumpkin dragon snaking around some thing, and as for the four little dudes on each corner? Why, they're the mascots for the upcoming Beijing Olympics 2008! And you could cook them and eat them if you want! Nutritious, delicious and representative of the nation's Olympic hopes and dreams! Awesome...

Hu Wen Bo, Lan Ya, and Lin Yue Xin! Don't Lin Yue Xin look spectacular? :-)

Feelin' hungry now? Those things on the bottom left are cream puffs in the shape of swans. Calico's could learn a thing or two, eh Jan? Btw folks, the pandas are not edible, and it took me hours to pick the fluffy stuffing outta my teeth. That'll teach Lin Yue Xin to take me out in public!

Ok, that's Friday outta the way. Nothin' much else in'eresting happened, we just did TEFL all night. BOOOOOOOrring.

Monday

It's National Day. The day that celebrates the beginning of the People's Republic of China. Cool. Surely they gotta have a parade or something in town? They sure do in places like Beijing and stuff! So we roll into Tian Fu square, armed with cameras, ready for some serious parade action. The place is packed. There's, like, uniformed dudes standing in places, and the fountains are doing cool things. There's gotta be a parade comin' in soon! Kiddies are waving flags. Rat-onna-stick is being sold by the bushel. We wandered around the square...

And then I was I hungry. This tends to put a full stop to any action which I might be entertaining, as eating becomes priority. No wonder I'm fat. Fortunately, we had Lan Ya and Hu Wen Bo with us, so they said we should head to some little hole-in-the-wall place they knew about. So we went. Er, what should I order? Lan Ya tells me what to order. By the time I get to the counter, I've forgotten most of what she said. I say something random. The lady repeats what I just said. Phew! Maybe I did remember? My mandarin is become so elite, I can make up stuff to order and get by. I'll take two of them, thanks, one for Lindsay and one for me. Five minutes later and this turns up:

After spending so much time discussing the merits of Sichuan food, I can now present to you what not to order. This here is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten in China. I managed about 2 spoonfuls before my stomach gave up entirely. Lin Yue Xin tried one spoonful only, and then stood up rather quickly. If I could say one good thing about this, I would, but I can't, so I'm gonna move on. However, my appetite had disappeared for now, along with my stomach and the rest of my digestive system. Moving along!

The middle of Tian Fu Square, kind of. I don't know what this middle bit is, but (I am about to repeat myself) it's in the middle of Tian Fu Square. There are people milling around down the bottom, and about a quarter of a bazillion people standing around the edge looking at the millers. Oh yeah, and taking photos. Like us. Hmm, maybe it isn't so strange... wait, no, it's more like were strange, and everyone else knows what is actually going on. Hmmmm...

Close up of the cool snake-thing fountain. Er, yeah. Nothing more I can say about this, except... cooool...

Dr. Lurve can tell you who the dude is in the middle there. Pretty impressive, huh. The Chairman is standing outside the Sichuan Science and Technology Museum, which we must visit someday... Er, like a lot of places. Well, at least we can get to this place via bicycooter.

Lin Yue Xin and Idiot. My what a lovely couple! But what the hell is up with that guy's grin? Oh yeah, we know. He rides a bicycooter. Figures.

Flang, this post is getting enormous. And I haven't even gotten to the new bicycooter yet! Humph and sigh. Needless to say, we discovered there was no parade. So why were there so many people around? Well, simply put, Chengduans are either head outta town for National Day Week, or they board up their doors and wait for it to be over. Why? you ask. Because Chengdu is the capital of Sichuan, and it's where every man and his dog (and his wife and family and bicycooter and grandparents) from the province wants to be, coz it's cool. So, essentially, we were surrounded by tourists. And we thought we were the out-o'-towners. Gee.

To be continued, er, next post folks? Sorry...

Pies advice of the day: Not all that looks disgusting is inedible. The following picture may disturb you, and may cause you to lose your lunch and, possibly, some sleep. However, it is absolutely delicious, and I'd recommend it to any of you. It was purchased from a street vendor on Monday, and it's Thursday now, and I'm still alive. Therefore, it passes the test of being able to live after consumption. It also managed to pass through my digestive system without doing what that hot-pot did. Mmmmm. What I cannot tell you, though, is what it is exactly. Your guess is as good as mine. Bon apetit!

P.S. Number of times the word "bicycooter" is used in this post: 9.

Number of times it's used in the next post: I lost count after 40. Uh oh.

Ernesto and The Crickets.

chinapies — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 05:08:00 GMT

Intrigued by the title? Yeersss.

Well, nothing much has happened this week. So I decided to spend some of this post discussing the menagerie that is becoming our apartments. Hmm, where to start...

Ah yes, giant spiders. Once upon a time, in a land of Macau... wait, I mean, in the land of Macau... there lived some people who were hanging out in Coloane. Coloane was a beautiful land (feel the alliteration... er, or maybe not. Linds pointed out that it is, in fact, just rhyme. Poor rhyme at that. Anyhow, back to the story) inhabited by the biggest *%^#$*&% spider I have ever seen in my LIFE. This thing had a span of about 6 inches, and was black and yellow, and shiny, and looked meaner than Robert DeNiro in Cape Fear. Four "and"'s used in that sentence. I suck. I think I took a picture of said booger-being, but I musta deleted it. I really suck.

Anyhow, after departure from Coloane, the people who lived there went to go to live a place a little further in the distance in Chengdu. There are about 15 mistakes in the previous sentence, and I can't be flanged fixing them right now, coz this is a spider-story, and no-one will give a damn about sentence structure when they get a glimpse of Ernesto. Back to the story. Upon arriving in Chengdu, the people who once lived in Coloane thought they would be free from the giant spiders of Coloane and Macau, but they would be wrong because they weren't.

Okay, I'm gonna give up on writing crap sentences, 'cause it looks like I'm good at it. Dang. Apologies if it got annoying. I'm gonna skip all the niceties and start with the blurry pic of Ernesto. Hold onto your stomachs, folks.

Ernesto meet world. World meet Ernesto. World, change underpants.

We first came across Ernesto's younger brother hanging outside the door. One of our neighbours jumped out of her skin when she saw him. I, being the arachnophile, gently ushered Ernesto's brother (or cousin, I wasn't sure... anyway, he was a lot teenier than Ernesto) out the door and into the discarded washing machine. Ernesto's cousin/brother was never seen nor heard of again.

Then came another one of Ernesto's relatives, this time hangin' out in Lindsay's kitchen. Of course, Lindsay is not an arachnophile such as myself (what a poncy way of saying she doesn't like spiders), so I had to usher this one out the window. Piece of cake.

Then came the dead crickets.

For the last week or so, I've been noticing an unusual change in my apartment. Instead of having crickets hangin' out in the shower enjoying a nice cup of Chengdu-scum mixed with shaving foam (or alternatively, crawling up my legs after I've finished drying myself off, just for kicks), the crickets appear to be, er, a little legless, and I'm not meaning in the metaphorical "we just spent a night at Pete's Tex-Mex drinking Heinies" way, I mean, their legs were (pardon the pun) two or three feet away from their torsos. Poor crickets. How could this be happening?

And that was when I decided to have some milk. Wow, that sounds really disjointed... and you thought I had given up on writing crappy sentences. Well, guess what... the milk is integral to the plot! Hah! So I wander into the kitchen, and a fleeting shadow catches my eye. It didn't look very large, whatever it was. Hmm, let's just have a peek under the sink -

Ernesto. There he was. Awesome!

So I usher him out of the kitchen, and seeing as he ate all the crickets there anyhow, he was only too happy to oblige. But boy, talk about greased-lightning! This puppy went from standstill to about 150 miles an hour in 0.13 seconds. Ferrari could learn a lesson or two here... try eight legs instead of four wheels, hah. So instead, Ernie set up home near my laundry, probably because my laundry tends to smell like cricket-food (see above). And this is where I took the blurry pic shown previously, and then this pic here:

Now if only I'd taken a pic of Lindsay and Andy (our new fishies), I continue yakkin' about the menagerie, but maybe next time. Hold your horse-sized spiders, will yah?

Pies out.

Pies hot-pot pic of the day!

As promise folks, here you go:

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmm!

That there is some taaaaaaasty goodness! And, just to prove I was there (kind of),

That's Lin Yue Xin on the right, and our Migwuoren friends Lan Ya (centre) and Hu Wen Bo (left). Not their real names, btw, but close enough to be embarrassing. All three will kill me when they read this.

Arrright!

chinapies — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 04:57:00 GMT

WARNING: This post contains facts (mostly), unlike other posts, which have been over-inflated reports of misdemeanours which, in their original forms, hardly qualified as newsworthy articles. However, this post contains no lies.

Ok, that was a lie. BUT, more importantly, no animals were harmed in the making of this post. Well, no animals that we know of, anyhow. I think I saw a kitten run under the wheels at one stage, but it seemed to be doing just fine. Kind of. I'm sure it can still catch prey with only three functional legs.... so long as the prey has three legs too. Maybe kitty can see a feline prosthetics dude or something later.

To begin with, I need to make an apology to you's all for taking so long to write this dang thing. You may have noticed a couple changes. For one, this is now hosted on a google group. There are many reasons for this. Google works at light speed in China. For those that are in the techno-know, you will know why this is so, bro, so go wit da flow. Wow, that is lame. Must be a bit rusty. Secondly, I can host video on this site. However, if you work at WDC, you prob won't be able to download the videos coz WDC's firewall is almost Chinese in it's tightness. So I recommend you check it out at home, a) if you have broadband, and b) if you can be bothered.

Humph, so to bring you up to speed. Coz it's been a while, I'll have to chapterise this whole thang, and I'll also try to write lots to make up for my slackness.

Chapter 0 - Shout-outs

Gazza, good to hear about WDC goodness! How's the two-horse race coming along? I like ol' Newmannz comment about how the other contenders don't seem to be doin' very much, coz they're cocky about their chances, lol. Has Paisley even put up any posters, or does he reckon he'll just shout and swear at everybody, and somehow he'll win? Lolz0r. Btw, this google group thing should be real good to have regular yaks on, so sorry I've been inattentive with worldnomads, it runs like a *%#&%# at the best of times, so I don't check it every day, and posting comments is paaaaiinful. Just ensure the good Doctor doesn't post any of his *%&#@* three-chief question things on here or it'll have to disappear faster than a hotpot pork-ball in a Sichuan mall.

Paloma! Yes, what have you gotten yourself into. Hmm, lemme see... imagine Colorado. Imagine all the neat things you can do there, like go to Safeway an' Chipotle an' sushi parlours an' late night movies and stuff. Mmmmmmm. Now imagine you could do all of those things, except your in China instead. Still sound good? Okay, now go a little further, and imagine that you can't actually do any of those things I mentioned before. AND, not only that, but you can't even ask the person next to you what the time is, or where the bathroom is. Instead, all you can say is "Wo shuo da bu hao" and point at what could be the lavatory, but is, in fact, the local market. Welcome to Chengdu.

Annejo! This place is awesome! We even managed to order hotpot tonight BY OURSELVES. Whoah. And we're learning Chinese at a pace, man, I can even ask things like "What season is your father?" and "Is your birthday difficult?" Man, the locals here are AWESOME :-) We're makin' friends at a reasonable pace, so soon we will be able to do more than just dream about eating food other than gung bao jiding and mei fen. And you can drive on the wrong side of the road and wherever you want, whenever! I'll get to that later :-)

Er, I want to see who else has sent me messages, but worldnomads is as dead as a dodo at the moment... it's Friday night, you see, and for some reason, the internet dies on a Friday (except for google... man I shoulda thought of this aaages ago!). It may be because the internet is flooded with people looking for remedies for hotpot after-effects. I am one of them. Back in five minutes.

Ok back!

Chapter 1 - A New Hope

BLAAAAAAAAAAbladablaaaa bladadabladadaba daaa?

Okay, sorry, that's supposed to be the opening music for Star Wars. Flang, I must be rusty if I'm reverting to using Star Wars to be funny (which it's not). Sorry folks. Anyhow, I was trying to convey a sense of drama beecaaaause, I am about to inform you thaaaaat....

I bought a bicycooter. That's right, a freakin' bicycooter. An' boy, have we had some fun since then! But (of course!) I have some photos of the occasion, yeeerrss, for your viewing pleasure!

Hey wow, I can type on the side! Man, google groups rocks. Anyhow, there you see fat ol' me grinning like the bad dude off Scream, watching as the shop attendants doctor the bicycooter so it doesn't have a speed govenor any more. Notice they are looking away from the camera. Nuff said.

If you look closely at this bad boy, you can see it has padding on the back. This is so Lindsay does not have to sit on cold, hard tray. Or rather, I don't have to sit on cold, hard tray, because Lindsay is a lady, and I am chivalrous. You can tell I'm chivalrous because I bought a bicycooter with padding. Okay, shuttup already.

Ho flang, how do I get back to a normal paragraph? Maybe I don't. I'll put another pic up and see wot happens.

Ok where the *%$#& is the cursor now? Hmm maybe google docs doesn't rock. This is just bizarre. I'm gonna hit enter a lot of times to see wot happens.

Okay! Yooohoo, over here now! I think it's back to normal.... maybe. The photo on the right shows what the store attendants are actually doing in the photo above. I was wrong about the whole speed govenor thing, as you can see, they are actually attaching my wing mirrors. These turned out to be completely useless (to begin with... hold fire for more story later), because they move independently of everything else. In fact, I do believe they are most useful for oncoming bicycooter riders to check their hair. Or, alternatively, for me to check whether I needed to clip my toenails soon. As for traffic coming up from behind, I'll talk about this in a bit.

Hmm, lemme see wot happens when I attach another photo. Whoah I'm now sandwiched between two photos. The new photo is on the left, btw. Flang, I'm not sure about this whole googlie group thing now. Kinda hilarious, but nowhere nearly as hilarious as the expression on my face (see left). This is an expression that says many things, for instance "I'm going to eat your children", or perhaps "I'm going to run over your kittens because I am an EVIL BICYCOOTOR, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA." Note the way I'm clutching at my bottle? It's as if I am trying to strangle it. The bicycooter is taking over my brain.

Arright, time to attach another photo. God knows where this one is gonna end up. I'll draw some arrows if it starts gettin' weird (which it already has, but not coz of the photos, right?)

Aaaaaah, that's not too bad. New photo has appeared left, immediately below the psychopath clutching the bottle like it's his precious... I think I'll entitle this new photo "fat *%&#%&@# onna bicycooter". Fitting description.

I haven't actually said anything about how we went about purchasing THE MACHINE OF DETH. Well, not too much of a story, except that we went back to the place where I took the photo of the mean machine in "Ode to a bicycooter". The mean machine was a whopping 2400yuan, and it looked too nice (i.e. it was gonna be stolen in about 10 seconds flat), so we decided to get something a li'l cheaper and a li'l less flash. This bad boy cost 1780yuan, so not too bad. Btw, I'm starting to think in yuan now instead of NZ or USD, which is an interesting transition... you see, 2400yuan is only $320USD, but I used the adjective "whopping", which makes 2400yuan sound like a lot. Which it is! Er, now, anyhow. Blah blah blah this is getting boring, back to the bicycooter.

So let me continue the saga by posting the following photo below. The story leading up to the photo is a chronicle that needs it's own chapter. Hold fire while I post the photo...

Flang, now I got all this white space to deal with. Maybe I should actually write a little sonata devoted to the bicycooter. Or how about I just press [Enter] lots until I get to a point where I can write something meaningful.

Chapter 2 - Lost! Season 5, The Empire Strikes Back

I'll cut it with the Star Wars jokes from now on, promise! The "Lost" reference is also completely unfunny, especially as I've never watched an episode from start to finish, so I have no idea what it's about except that it has the dude off "The Matrix" on it. Meh, whatever.

Okay, so here's what happened. We buy the bicycooter. That'll be blahblah yuan. Thank you very much. Lindsay hops on the back, and we head off. But this says very little. By "head off", I mean straight into a pedestrian. Even "straight" is the wrong word. It was more like left-straight-straight-left-right-leftleftleftrightleftrightPOTHOLEleftleftrightrightPEDESTRI - flang. Anyhow, we make it back to SNU, and it is a very happy time for everyone. Especially those who traveled in the same lane as we did, because we are no longer in it. I even honked at a taxi on the way back (I use the word "honk" here, because it sounds way more masculine than what the bicycooter actually does when you press the horn button. I've spent days trying to think of analogies for the sound, and here's the latest list:

1. Mosquito with a bad case of gas (hotpot related, of course).

2. Mariah Carey in that song where she sings really high.

3. A faulty whoopie cushion.

Meh, check out the video when we upload it. It says everything.)

About a quarter of an hour after we've arrived back at SNU, I say to Lindsay "Le's go onna another bicycooter trip!"

She goes (quite sensibly, I might add): "It's getting dark, we should eat!"

So we eat.

"Le's go onna bicycooter trip!" I say once we have devoured our gung bao jiding and sizzling rice pork (not as good as it sounds, btw).

"But it's dar - "

"Mnemenehuhemnenenemne!" I say. This loosely translates to: "Well, true, but we won't go far, and I'll drive safely, and if anything happens, we can catch a taxi back!"

"Okay," says Lindsay. So we head off. Out of the North Gate. You probably have no idea what this signifies, because I probably haven't discussed the layout of SNU yet. Hmm, well, let me put it like this. There are two main gates, the South and the North. The South gate is normality, safety, and friendly restaurants with a carnival atmosphere. Here is a pic of the daily South gate carnival that happens on a daily basis. It appears I used daily twice in that sentence. Anyhow, the pic:

Wow, I'm actually at the bottom of the photo now! This was taken tonight before we hit up the hotpot restaurant. It's been 2 hours since we ate, and I'm still sitting here typing this blog, so maybe I'll be okay tomorrow.

Anyhow, back to the story. South gate - nice and normal. The North gate, on the other hand... if only there were a way I could embed music so that when you read this, you heard something like "bum buum baaaam", or something like that. Feel the tension. The North gate is plain weird. I'll take some photos and maybe you can see why. Linds and I ventured out the North gate (on foot) during our first exploration of SNU many moons ago, and we got about 50 metres before it got too weird to continue. Oh yeah, on the way back we bought a mop and some milk, but I've already told that story.

So now we were venturing out the North gate, but this time, on a good-ol', safe-as-houses bicycooter! It's safer on a bicycooter because, although it may look like it has a mere basket on the front, the basket is actually the equivalent of outback-strength bull bars. i.e. Mean. i.e. Nasty. And it can carry stuff. Cool. Don't you want a bicycooter? Yeeesss, I think you do, don't you? Well git your flang-dang beady eyes offa mine!

Back to the North gate. Somehow we travel back in time, and we're riding down some street with houses that look about a thousand years old. It's quite likely that they are a thousand years old. We turn around. Now we're at some sort of bazaar, only it's the main entrance to the North gate. And I mean the bazaar is on the actual entrance, not like on either side or something. Any vehicle wanting to get in has to buy some candy floss and rat-onna-stick in order to pass. Kinda handy really, if you think about it... what better way to make money than to stop cars on a road and solicit money from them? And if you can eliminate vermin too, all the better!

We turn right, and keep going. This is where things go wrong. Somewhere along the way, I make a turn. I don't remember where or why, and neither does Lindsay. You know in horror movies, when the hero would do something dumb like turn left down some corridor, and you, the viewer, knew full well that the re-animated corpse of Michael Jackson or whatever was waiting nearby, and you think "What an idiot! Don't turn left! What kind of a dumbass turns left?"... you know what I'm talking about? Well now I don't think the hero is a dumbass, coz it's very probable. You see, I made a turn, and we were *&^$#%ed.

Twenty minutes have passed, and we decide to turn around. It's been a pleasant journey traveling against the traffic down the Chinese equivalent of the motorway on the bicycooter (yes you read that right, we were on the motorway, complete with slow, medium and fast lanes... and bicycooter lane. In the bicycooter lane, you can travel in either direction. I kid you not. Tip: at night, keep your lights on.).

Chapter 3 - Two *%#&*%# hours later...

Zhong Lai has had a hard day. He's standing there, smoking a cigarette, waiting for something to happen tonight that will help him feel better about the impending weekend.

"Head into town?" he asks Hu. Hu too has also had a hard day, working at the cement factory. Not nice, but it pays the bills.

"No, not yet," Hu replies. "Cheng said he'd meet us here at 9, and it's just on, so let's wait a couple - "

"Excuse me octopus bus," comes this voice out of nowhere. Both Hu and Zhong turn. Two foreigners are there, and - can you believe it - they're both riding on a bicycooter! They're not meant to have two people on them, let alone a fat-ass foreigner like the one steering the thing!

"Sister octopus working hard?" says the fat-ass.

Hu and Zhong look at each other. "What the heck did he just say?" Hu asks, perplexed.

Zhong shrugs. "Sounds like he's hungry. But what does your sister have to do with it?"

The female foreigner speaks: "Excuse me, we look for Sichuan Normal University."

"Hmm, her pronunciation is terrible," Hu says to Zhong, "but at least we can understand what she's saying." He turns to the female. "I'm sorry ma'am, but we have no idea where SNU is."

The female communicates with the male. The male grins. "Who is The City of A Hundred Flowers with you," he says, and they turn and ride away.

A minute passes.

"Why are they driving away," Zhong asks at last, breaking the silence, "when they have a tyre that is flatter than an overcooked egg fu yong?"

Chapter 4 - Okay this is turning into a long post. I'll stop shortly.

Let me re-direct your attention to the last picture posted. I reproduce it here again for your convenience.

I'd like to point out a few things, for your information. 1) I am climbing into a tuk-tuk. 2) I am climbing into the tuk-tuk by climbing over the bicycooter. 3) Lindsay is taking the picture, and has not climbed into the tuk-tuk. 4) A normal tuk-tuk can barely fit one reasonably-sized foreigner, let alone two foreigners - one of whom is not reasonably-sized - and a 60-kilo bicycooter.

Fifteen minutes later and we were at this place. Our wallets were also 15yuan lighter, not bad considering the cargo this guy had to carry. Flang. Woops, sorry, here's the picture:

This is a bicycooter repair shop. That is the bicycooter with it's puncture being repaired. Cost: 2yuan. Being able to ride without the embarrassment of being tuk-tuk cargo: priceless. This place is awesome. So we're mobile again... but where the heck do we go?

"Chuan si da?" we ask these people. Chuan si da is an abbreviation for Sichuan Sifon Dashue, or Sichuan Normal University. They point down the road, and we're off! Woohoo! We're heading home! Only.... not.

SNU has two campuses, separate by quite a few miles. There is the main campus where we live, which is south-east Chengdu, and then there is the eastern campus, where we don't live. Guess which one we turned up at. Gee, now who's well and truly lost as *^&^%$#$%^. AT LAST, however, there was a saving grace... we run into someone who can barely speak English! Okay while saying something like that in NZ would be an insult, in China it's like the biggest relief ever, trust me! Which way to SNU's main campus? we ask. The dude laughs. You have to catch the bus there, he says, and next one leaves tomorrow morning. But we have a bicycooter, we say. Oh, that changes everything, he replies. Just ride in that direction for the next 300 years and you'll get there.

And off we go.

We get to the North gate 25 minutes later, and man are we happy! Well, kinda... you see, while getting lost in China is, like, super-daunting, we were actually a li'l disappointed that our adventure had come to an end...

So the next day we went for a great ride, took some photos, blah blah blah I'll save it for the next post. But as a preview, the result was that I blew the tyre big time, got sworn at by a bicycooter repair man who refused to fix it after trying twice, and, er, that was just the beginning.

Sorry for the long post!

Pies out.

Pies spelling mistake of the day:

We started working at SNU a little earlier than our contracts stipulated, so our boss told us to write him a note. So I did.

From henceforth, I will cease with any derogatory remarks about Chinese misuse of the English language. Six years with the WDC under the tutelage of Dr. Love, and I can't even get a letter right. Just goes to show.

Helloooo!

chinapies — Wed, 19 Sep 2007 16:26:00 GMT

Hey y'all, I'm splitting from worldnomads coz it's a li'l too painful to use in China... so instead I've switched to the only thing that works at speed around here, and it's google! So, if you want more action than a sock full of mung beans, go to:

http://groups.google.com/group/piesinchina/

Au reserviour, world nomad!

Slow tango of the hotpot bot trot

chinapies — Thu, 13 Sep 2007 02:56:00 GMT

6:30am, and would you believe it, I'm awake. Yesterday we started Chinese classes with our teacher, Liz (named changed to prevent severe embarrassment.) She's awesome. This chick has been Peace Corps trained, and we have heard that Peace Corps Chinese teachers are the best in town. She pretty-much doesn't speak English in the classroom, so we gotta be shar –

graaroohuhuuuu...

Okay, what the hell was that?

Meh, whatever. Ooo and I got myself a Chinese name too, courtesy of Liz. It's Lou An, with the “Lou” pronounce like “lounge”, and that is my surname (the Chinese go by surname first, then first name last). I gotta get used to this name, too, coz that's what she gonna call me from now on. Lou A –

GRRAAAhaahaahoohuhuuuu...

What the *%&#*% was THAT? Sounds like someone's let a flanging baby tiger loose in my lounge, and it's found my stash of yak jerky. Well, I don't feel like getting up just yet, and the poor thing is gonna be dead in about 15 minutes (the yak jerky, you see), so I'll just have to get the maintenance guy in to deal with the corpse. Maybe turn it into a new milkshake or something.

So Liz has got us doing these pretty hilarious exercises, right? She's got us moving our mouths around like we have chronic gum disease while mooing like cows to get our pronunciation right, and it seems to be working. I can almost say “Ni hao” now without sounding like it's the only thing I know how to say (which it still is, really... my “Sai jien” sounds more like “Say hi to Jen” at the moment. Which may explain why most shopkeepers look at me like they're thinking “Who the heck is Jen?”). So I'm going “niiiiiiii,” with lips tighte –

G-g-g-u-h-u-GR-GR-A-W-ROR-AOR-AROAGOAROFLAARP-G-g-u-g-u-u-uuuu...

Ah *%#%&!! The tiger must've found my flanging stash of delicious Chinese twinkies! (Well, they're not that delicious, and they're not very twinkie-like, but still, in China, you gotta make do with what you can get. And it appears that the tiger in my lounge also knows this.) Right, time to deal with YOU, mister. I get out of bed -

– and fall to the floor. I've been punched in the gut, just above the groin, and it hurts like flang.

g-g-flarp-if-fo-fu-u-u-uuuuuuu...

The noise, it seems, is not a tiger in my lounge. And the pain is not due to going ten-rounds with David Tua taking kidney shots. It is (as you will have no doubt correctly surmised) my stomach, and there is only one culprit.

Last night's hotpot.

.... - flarp...

I gotta get to the bathroom. NOW.

Okay so I get to the bathroom and (CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED) stopped breathing for a second. And, after looking myself in a mirror I (CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED) twelve minutes past eight already.

I'd better explain how this came to be. Let me start by getting to the end of the Chinese lesson.

“Liz, I just have one more question before we break,” I say.

“Lou An?”

“Do you know how to order hotpot?”

“'Wo yao hong wei huo guo.'”

“Ah, okay.”

“If you want,” she continues in perfect English, knowing full well that I have no idea what she just said, “we could all go to a hotpot restaurant tonight?”

Awesome! See? Peace Corps Chinese teachers are the best!

Fast-forward to the end of the day. We're all heading to the South Gate mall, where many such hotpot restaurants are situated. Ah, woops. I just realised I have neglected to advise you about what exactly a hotpot entails. A very good question! Picture this: A small basin, such as one used for bathing babies. In fact, if it has been recently used for bathing babies, even better. Remove the baby, but don't throw out the bathwater (i.e. the opposite of the famous saying (which the Chinese invented)). Fill this basin with 1) hot sauce; 2) hotter sauce; 3) hottest sauce; 4) chillies that were too hot to be made into hottest sauce; 5) 2,4,6-trinitrotoluene; 6) yesterday's hotpot sauce, and 7) of course, coarse horse sauce (isn't the English language dumb?). Cook said saucy pot until it is boiling.

Now for the fun part. Imagine an animal. Any animal, it doesn't matter. Dissect it. Remove any bits which you might consider actually eating (e.g. flesh, tongue, eyeball, etc.) Throw these bits out, but keep the rest (i.e. skin, bones, mysterious organs which seem to have no use but look squishy, and, er, the entire digestive system from start to finish). Place these at your leisure into the hotpot, which should be going at a real pace now. Wait a few moments. Eat, and do your best not to die.

Unfortunately, while we did have a camera for the occasion, it was impossible to retrieve from Lindsay's bag because her cognitive ability was, er, impaired (as was everybody else's). However, here's a good enough approximation:

(Please forgive me, I will have a picture of a real hotpot next time, I promise!)

So, an hour or two later, after the detox teams have made sure we weren't glowing in the dark still, we head home. I am feeling fine and dandy. I even manage to get to sleep. But the true effect of hotpot is time-delayed, so that its consequences cannot, er, hinder the functions of the restaurant lavatory. So, sure enough, I find myself awake eight hours later, completely unaware that I am approaching what the United State Department of Homeland Security would aptly call “Threat Level Red”.

Despite all this, I have to admit that I can't wait to have hotpot again!

Pies out.

Pies noodle of the day:

This one is called “square-orange-box-with-deceitful-contents”.

In our quest for the perfect noodle, Linds and I decided to forego our normal “round-box” and settle for an unusual “square-box” instead. Upon opening said square-box, we were delighted to find a) a sachet of soy sauce (a very good sign); b) a sachet of dried, shrimpy vegetables (also a good sign); and c) black, non-descript goop (uh oh...). The black goop turned out to be iron filings sautéed in tar, and it completely ruined what could have been the closest thing to the perfect noodle to date. Square-orange-box-with-deceitful-contents gets three thumbs down.