Indonesia led to greater confidence.

I arrived at the Bali International Airport. As usual, the 'welcome to..” sign filled me with a sense of childlike expectancy. I took a cab to Ubud. I saw a man carrying a television on a tiny scooter and I admired his tenacity.
I arrived at the Whitehouse Hotel. It began to sprinkle as I headed down the puddled concrete path. To my left was a rice field. Seeing one in a movie is what planted the seed for me to take this trip in the first place. Now it was real. My eyes watered with gratitude.
I put my things away and went for the pool. I felt the trials of the last year begin to evaporate. I noticed a few days later that the pool was turning my blonde hair green, I swam anyway. I came to Asia to rest, pray and swim..
My few days in Ubud prepared me for my primary destination, a seven day silent meditation retreat guided by a monk from Burma. The Brahmavihara Arama temple is near Lovina in the mountains .I awoke daily to the 4 am gong and did some simple yoga before heading to the main temple. Sitting quietly for 10+ hours a day can be very overwhelming. In this type of retreat, you are alone with yourself and your thoughts. Four days into the retreat while in a session guided by Sayadaw, I observed my greatest fear, the fear of being abandoned, the fear of being unworthy of love.
The tears flowed uncontrollably and effortlessly. I maintained and regained composure several times. “Sit with it”….that’s what we were taught… “observe it.” I was embarrassed, sniffling and surrounded by silent meditating yogis. I opened my eyes and the monk was staring at me…his eyes were filled with compassion and knowing. His compassion was the last straw. It overwhelmed me. I fled the temple and found a treehouse to meditate in. I encased myself in the white chiffon netting. For the first time in my life I realized that I can comfort myself. I don’t need anyone or anything to do it for me. I felt love for myself. I stayed safely wrapped in my meditative cocoon until I felt the burning desire to sing. As it is a silent retreat I had to choose the most private discreet place I could find. I found a semi-private corner of land near my humble room at the edge of the woods and squeezed into a tiny corner facing some palm trees. I let my voice quietly and sweetly fly and felt release. I felt peace. A boisterous unruly rooster strutted by as if to tempt me. “What should I do rooster?” I asked. It crowed loudly. “Sing? O.K. I will”. And sing, I did.