Daniel and the Faerie

The first person we befriended (responded to an online ad for an apartment rental) in Melbourne was a guy named Daniel. Daniel was Estonian or Swedish, 6foot something with just enough grease on his face to tell us he walks a lot, but not enough to lead to acne. He sported a samurai ponytail that only tall, lanky hipsters can have without looking too pretentious. We assumed he was an artist, or a person in the process of becoming an artist. While riding on the elevator he related to us being Canadian by telling us that he dated a girl from Aurora, but quickly followed that with making us promise not to mention this to his current girlfriend that we were about to meet. This “us versus them” mentality won me over because I generally make friends that way. I’m a firm believer that alienating the weakest link secures a bond. If that fails, common hatred works just as well. If no common hatred is shared, plant the seed of hate, water that seed, and refer to this hatred after the seed blooms later. If not, just call someone fat, ugly or slow until the other people can’t help but hate them.

The girlfriend was a faerie from a long lineage of faeries. She had gold silky hair that always seemed to be windblown despite being indoors. Eyes like a Bambi-husky mix and the innocence of a child’s bum. Her skin was photoshopped perfect. I assumed she was a makeup artist but Christine corrected me that she obviously dedicates a lot of time to her skincare regime: uses toner, moisturizes, wears sunscreen and more importantly probably also doesn’t eat chocolate.

We spoke more to the faerie than Daniel because Daniel was an artist and thus very much stupid. At times it was hard to follow her train of thought because she had these doe-eyes similar to children gazing at shelves of candy.

Like 4 Lego pieces that fit perfectly together, the 4 of us … fit together. For the brief 20 minute encounter we were like the cast of Friends. I played the role of Joey (with Ross’ intelligence) and Chandler, while Daniel was Ross (with Joey’s intelligence). Christine played the role of Rachel because I don’t care how perfect your skin is faerie, you’re no Christine Wright, while the faerie was the Phoebe because her doe-eyed expression sometimes gave her a mildly retarded look.

***no one was Monica because Monica is the worst character.

So with that, we made and lost our first friends in Melbourne as they informed us they’re going back to Estonia or Sweden or Fern Gully.